Sunday, November 14, 2010

Thanks, Mom

There are things that I would like to say on here that would be better left for my personal journal. The words I have would not come out fast enough in ink though. These thoughts are unrelated to the next topic I will touch on.

So in a previous blog entry I noted that my birthday was the #1 holiday on my list. I have always had a birthday week since I turned 19 or 20 and maybe it even goes further back then that. I think it was my 6th birthday when i had 3 birthday parties in a week. One at school, one at home, and one for my friends at the skating rink. This weekend I was trying to plan what I would do since I had a 4 day weekend. My mom coldly replied to me "What makes you so special that you get a whole week to celebrate your birthday" in maybe not so many words. This really hit a nerve with me. She was genuinely pissed that I had a birthday week. I have thought long and hard about her statement to check my self-absorbtion level.

I came to this conclusion:
Most days of the year I don't feel very special. I have awesome people that are friends and more facebook friends than I can keep up with (or that facebook can even keep me updated with) and being that connected means people dont have to make much effort in friendship anymore. You just check in on their page to see how they are doing. Which I am even grateful for most of the time. But this one week, I get to feel relevant and like I exist and matter. It may seem silly to people but I think everyone gets to a point where they just want someone in their lives to care. I know that I do, but at the end of the day we are all looking out for numero uno. I used to have someone who cares. But even that person only called me after a "thank you text" at 7pm this day. its not that this person even matters [they do] but i am getting to a point where if my own parents don't celebrate my birthday by making me feel special...what do i have to look forward to? i'm grateful for the time i had with them this weekend but their attitude is lazy and i'm guessing my mom just doesn't understand what celebrating life in general looks like. i guess all i am trying to say is that sometimes big statements do go farther than just the little things. also, the other thing I am trying to say is i need to move out soon. i just am feeling really scared because I have nothing and nowhere to go.

i don't think anyone really reads my blog so i will just say this because it's really causing me pain. I cried like 2 or 3 times this week. Maybe more in the past two weeks. This is my favorite time of the year and a milestone i have been waiting for a long time in my life and it feels blemished. i think i will be spending the next week to heal and pray for a miracle.

on another note, i had the best weekend with my friends and they are wonderful people. i am looking forward to an awesome year and i can't wait to record it on my new camera! i am seeing things changing in my life as i begin to change the type of people i surround myself with. time to buck up and leave the old behind...


millie said...

As someone who celebrates their half-birthday, you know where I stand on this issue!

And yeah, it sounds like you need to get your own place!

Lauren said...

haha thanks emily! i also celebrate my 1/2 bday and this year i was a little sad no one remembered it! lol