One Life to Live

Heard a movie quote saying "I just have one life to live and I want it to mean something."

That's about where I am right now. I'm busting my ass at work doing my part to make the world a little bit better in this moment for kids in Jacksonville and for people who work with kids here.

My personal life is hell because I've never really cared about myself. I have everything I want but it's disheveled and at any moment's notice could fall off the rocky cliff it's hanging on to with a blow of a mood swing or lack of sleep.

Some people wait for Jesus to save them - but all of my praying and singing hasn't made me feel whole. It's the quiet moments in peace that brings me back to life. I came to a realization this week that I don't think I know Jesus. I thought I did my whole life. Then, I realized he lived a long time ago. I've made up the Jesus that I love in my head. His image brings me comfort, reassurance, and rest.

"Come to me you who are weary and heavy-burdened and I will give you rest." That puts my racing mind to ease - soothing my anxious mind. But that doesn't make him present with me or even culturally relevant as a white American middle class single female.

This week I've felt a sense of mortality and I don't want to live pleasing other people. I don't want to carry a label over my head and I don't care to assign them to others either. This is huge for me when it comes to living out my faith. From what I've experienced being with and around people is that to me, The whole point of belief in a god is hope and connecting to ourselves/others.

Everyone practices their own version of faith (especially inside of faith traditions). Most people get ideas from their god (prophesies) and judgements. All of them are so different. How can Christians say Mormons are whack when we believe that Paul heard Jesus and was preached to after Jesus died. Muslims think Christians are evil (Westerners) but they murder each other in the streets and rape women as a part of their faith.

To say one is right and another is wrong is an interesting concept. Who can TRULY know? Isn;t that the whole point of faith? That you cannot know but must have a supernatural power to believe in that which we cannot see?

I really like people who believe in God - the spirit of people, love, forgiveness, encouragement, compassion, mercy, and justice. I just don't understand why we give so much authority to pastors to reveal truth when in reality we need spiritual guides. People who help guide us to look inward and grow, to shake off fear - insecurities - hate - narcissism - vanity - etc. People who guide us to live sacrificially, accept others, and show kindness to the vulnerable populations instead of preach fear of people who are different.

So, with this said. I have one life and I want it to mean something. I don't want to live in a shell of fear of not knowing or living in limbo with my faith. I just want to blossom and create a happy home starting with my spirit.