Regret

I can't understand why I feel this way. But I still miss Andy after all of this time. He was my best friend.  I thought we would get really old together. Now we are just getting older apart. I miss the way he would hug me when he or I got off the plane to visit each other. I miss him tickling me and his spiderman underpants. I even miss his stupid jokes. I just miss laughing with him and talking about everything under the moon. I miss joining twin beds together just to cuddle.

I wish he understood marriage. I wish that he understood that each person has to be intentional and pursue each other, even when its the last thing you want to do. I wish I hadn't taken him for granted. I wish I had appreciated his little gestures more instead of expecting grand ones.

We both lost something that could have been beautiful. A real relationship, a friendship. Now, I feel like there is nothing I can do but wait it out. Wait for it not to hurt so bad or wait for something else to come along. It's hard for me to want to share my life with anyone else.

Maybe it was bad all along. Maybe it wasn't worth saving. Maybe we will be really happy with other people. I just can't see that now. I just feel alone and abandoned. and hurt. even after all of this time.

and that is the worst part. i still feel every bit of the pain. which means i'll have to move on.