Hump day

Today, just feeling sad. I thought I had gotten over my hump and then realized it was more than just one.

this past year has been weird. i went through a series of 2 month relationships, each important to me in special ways. each, i pictured to be "it" and i was really wrong. i think part of the issue is them, but the other part is deep down i know it isn't right. but that's the part I'm having trouble with. one of the guys seemed to be absolutely everything i have been dreaming of and hoping for. when i complain about one guy, i describe "him" to a T. i think i was afraid. scared i would mess it up, scared to commit too soon, scared i'd lose myself. personally, i'm just hoping i was right to trust myself and that something deep down wasn't right but i'm afraid i'll never know.

i am having to totally rely on God to take care of my heart and take the burden of my fears. i don't know how to do this and really walk with the Lord. I've started spending my mornings reading the Bible and learning verses. it's been calming and helps me feel strong. I notice [also through the eyes of people who love me] that my focus is on dating and finding the one. and by focus i mean "preoccupied." I always end up feeling empty and dissatisfied because it isn't all that i've dreamt it up to be. I think i've been looking for someone to rescue me, but i've got to do that for myself. That shouldn't be anyone else's responsibility.