I've seen God blessing me in ways that I couldn't and wouldn't have ever dreamed. I would have never asked to have things happened in my life the way they have. God took some pretty terrible things from me, healed me, and gave me hope. I know it was God too. As my diversity instructor told my class in college, out of all of the religions she dabbled in and practiced, "they all gave me peace, but only Jesus gave me healing."
Now several years later, I am understanding that I too need to be healed. I thought I could heal myself and I thought I was finished. Instead I just closed myself off and ignored the pain. In psychlogy they call it dissociating. I had literally cut out a part of my life. That was positive because I moved on with my life. Unfortunately, if you don't recognize pain and treat it, it will come back when you least expect it. Relationships have been really difficult for me. I've been trying to control situations and the people that I date as a way of protecting myself. Never once have I put God in control because at the end of the day, I didn't trust in that god. That god didn't need to be bothered by me. I'm smart and can take care of myself. Boy was I wrong.
In life I think a lot of people feel more comfortable making up the idea of God, but then the idea of God is really just being in control on your own. For most people, we pretend that we have everything under control. In reality, the world is in constant chaos and at any moment life can be shaken up like an earthquake. This week I saw video of a tsunami uprooting BUILDINGS and washing them down the street. A mother lost her son while he was playing outside and was hit by a car. A 22 year old girl was hit by a drunk teenage driver and killed instantly. A child is diagnosed with Autism (1/100 chance) and your spouse leaves you. There are so many unexpected events. In the end, how we choose to react determines our relationship to God. Do you carry this weight on your own? Some do, with terrible outcome. Some people turn to their work, others to drug & alcohol use, others to impulsive behavior.
What I've learned is what Jesus said, "Come to me you who are weary and heavy burdened. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." This is a true picture of healing. letting the God who loves me and died for me to take that weight off my shoulders and the pain from my heart. Last night I cried myself to sleep. My heart literally hurt. the years of pain trying to be loved and feeling cheap. I had to admit that my life isn't what I wanted. I had to admit that my way didn't work. i'm just grateful that my God let me find this out on my own but never gave up on me. I cried in joy to give my life back to him, my Father, my Dad. I've finally come to a place in my life where now I know that I have a sacred gift. This gift is special. Being a woman is special and now i'm not ashamed to be tender-hearted.
I am learning to love myself again and to be uniquely me. I'm funny, spirited, and adventurous. I love to dance and sing and daydream. I'd rather do something by myself than not do it at all. I'm loving and I care for people who are suffering. I'm tough when I need to be and soft when that's needed too. I'm a life-long learner and incredibly hard working. I also love lazy days and sunshine. There are some dicey things about me (i used to cheat at board games & im a terribly sore loser), but all in all, I think any little girl would want to look up to me. So that means letting God mold me into being His daughter, most sacred and beautiful of all living creatures. Not for a man to want to marry me, but for the joy of the Lord.
So, all this is my living testimony. Giving my hurt and anger to Jesus has given me hope for a future that isn't like dust to the wind. As I start my journey, like the isreailtes wandered in the desert for 40 years and Jesus wandered for 40 days, I will be observing Lent to prepare myself for the next phase of my life. I am giving over to God my obsession with planning out my life. I am surrendering my life to Christ.
Every person must determine their own purpose and the meaning of life. Is it to just be happy or to do good things? Is that enough? A man came to earth and claimed to be God. THE God. We must sort out wheter or not he was a lunatic, or if he was telling the truth.
While we were powerless, Christ died for us. Most people wouldn't die for an upright person, though some might for an especially good person. But God demonstrated his great love for us (before we could even choose to love him) by giving his only son to die so we could be healed of our own selfish nature.
I'm tired but really excited to live for God. It's hard to write and publish this because I've done and said some horrible things. I'm embarrassed too. I don't want to be seen as a hypocrite or contradictory. There's been a lot of changing in my heart and sometimes fighting it makes for some poor decision making. I haven't had a chance to apologize to a few people so I hope this is where I make ammends. Thank you for being kind. Thank you for giving me a chance to be the real me again.