Sunday, February 27, 2011

you got a gypsy soul to blame

"one foot on the narrow way and foot on the ledge, sifting through the devil's lies and what the good book says. if i'm going anywhere i'll probably go too far, probably away from you, chances are...."

i love country music and the ballads about the love and life we experience.

i'm sorting through all types of things but the more i sort the more confusing things get. i notice that i have trouble being by myself. its like i always have to be around someone and i'm wondering if that cheapens the experience of spending time with me. the other night i told my friend Andrew that i'm just trying to figure myself out and he plainly told me that its impossible and that i shouldnt spend anytime doing that. we're never finished and the life we lead is what makes us who we are. right now, simple = good. i have these conflicting pieces of myself that desire to live separate lives and i dont know how to bring them together. a) because they are opposites and b) its been made clear that i cant even control how my life is played out

i'd like to do adventurous things and never work 9-5. have hundreds of odd jobs so i can do everything once! travel, drink tea in wonderful places, and meet people from different cultures. i'd like to take a car trip across america and europe! on the other hand, i really want to have a stable life where i know what im doing everyday. i love the idea of a family and desire to be a wife and mother (more specifically a foster/adoptive parent). i would like to be able to do all of these things and i think its possible. BUT in the back of my mind is my mom telling me that the latter lifestyle is not one for "good" marriage material.

i've always been pretty rebellious but i think its becuase i have a pretty big personality that was somewhat squelched by many people that came in and out of my life. i dont want to be good marriage material. i just want to be good or great. i want great love. and i think when you find that you can do all of the above. there are families that live in little foreign villages, couples that travel and do journalism together, and those who do little adventures all the time to never lose that passion for life.

so, for now its hard to let myself be serious about accepting love because i just dont trust it. im pretty tender-hearted and a little broken. it's hard to forget painful words and countless goodbyes.

So until love finds me, i'll be thinking about things that are true, right, noble, pure and lovely to please the Lord (Philippians 4:8). He's my maker and my great love. Going to Chet's Creek Church again has been awesome and really helped in the process of healing some wounds in terms of my attitude about and with God. A life transformation isnt happening over night but im slowly learning and enjoying the grace and friendship of God. I'm going to start praying about my job and what I'm going to do after this school year. It's tough because I love my job and I am pretty content but I just feel like something needs to happen in 2011.... I just hope that when God calls me to do soemthing that I'll have the courage to take on the challenge. so far, i feel kind of wimpy in that arena.

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