Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Everything is turning up.....BABIES. I cannot check my facebook without seeing at least 5 peoples beatiful little babies and 5 more that are pregnant. The worst part is that they are all happily married. To clarify one thing: I do not want any babies right now. I do not want children unless it is with the right person, and with a good man I will consider having a ton (adopting, fostering, and our own).

The thing that is so terrible is that I am feeling left out. I want to have kids at the same time as my friends and I am no where near the place where that will happen. But maybe it will happen and the friends I make at that time will be amazing people. I just have a lot of love to give and I want a huge family. My whole life, it has just been my parents, me, and Shelby. We never lived near family and holidays weren't much fun (except 4th of July). I am having trouble waiting on God's timing and I always have had this issue.

I really want to get to this point in my life where I am not so bitter and I actually have a real relationship with Jesus. I am having trouble surrendering. I have seen and felt a lot of pain & suffering in my life and I don't have a lot of faith in people of faith. On the other hand, I have hope because of people of faith. I think I just need a night of solitude and prayer becaue I have completely disconnected myself with God and am just living the "good" life. It's just hard for me to believe sometimes that God cares SO much about every little thing I do.

Somehow, I know that deep down, this one relationship means everything. Without it, I really am nothing. All of the good things about me are gifts from above. Naturally I am a bitter, spiteful, vulgar person and I have seen that about myself the past few years. With God in my life I am kind, merciful, and joyful. It's such a huge difference. Some of these things can also be explained by hormones once a month.

Before I go to bed and when I wake up every morning, I am going to put myself in a routine to spend at least 10 minutes of quiet time in the Bible or in a book. I need to learn how to be content and still because I am always trying to run. I truly want God's blessings versus Earth's blessings.

The point of this is to realize that I need to be content because I am actually very happy for my friends and their growing families. I don't want to be negative and build this anger in my heart because I am the one not listening to God. I really am just waiting because I want to have a strong, Godly marriage and a wonderful husband and baby daddy who will lead our family and listen to God's will.

not trying to be oober religious but I have just been thinking about things a lot lately and realizing the importance of my faith in my life!

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, for I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."


...on the brink of something beautiful said...

i have to say, in reading this i felt like i was reading a post that should be on my blog! i feel the exact same way and its kinda nice feeling like im not alone in that, although im sorry you feel this way too.
im a christian too and i also want a future of babies and a husband, and while i know right now it's not where im suppose to be, it is hard learning almost everyday via facebook that another friend of mine is engaged, married, or pregnant. but youre not alone, dont worry!

Lauren said...

Thanks for the comment! That actually made me feel better. It's really tough knowing that there is going to be something good out there, we just have to wait on the right timing.