Sunday, November 4, 2007

Conclusive Evidence

So just five minutes ago, not a moment too soon, I realized what my problem was. I am on the brink of losing this thought.

i am afraid of moving forward. Deathly afraid. i finally have something to look forward to everyday, but the memories of my college life haunt me. Not in so short a time did all of my plans in life change forever. the girl that moved out of the nest and flew into a world unknown is not the same person. in a way, she died. it is hard to bring a dead girl back to the life she once lived without seeing things a bit differently.

i have always let other people decide for me what i am going to do in my life. part of me wants to run away and be someone else. the other part of me wants to live at home with my parents and adopt 9 cats. so cuckoo clock here needs to find a healthy balance of letting go of her past and transform into a butterfly. its hard when bob and peg care so much. i can't make a mistake to save my life.

the other part of me that i rarely talk about is the part that cannot be content. i dont know if i can ever be happy or content with my life. my biggest fear is that one day i will have everything i ever wanted and then i realize i cant handle it. job, marriage, kids. i am afraid that i will want to runaway from it all, but i couldnt and i would just fade away inside of myself.

the reason i mention this fear is because i am going to have to make some decisions about andy in the upcoming year. do i runaway and leave him alone so no one gets hurt by me and i pursue a different dream? or do i stay and work things out with someone i might love now but ruin things in the future and possibly be miserable? i think either way i would be miserable. unless i figure out how to live my own life and be content with someone who feels the same way....

my phone is ringing. it is probably shelby so i dont answer quite yet. ;)

i dont know if i ended up writing about what i actually intended. but i think i am through. it is hard to move past something like not being chosen. i fully understand how it can happen and that it would never work. but when you dont choose to end a relationship that lasted throughout college, it is hard to move on. you feel like a zombie 85% of the time. half living, half dead. and most the time you are grumbly and incoherent. so for now i am trying to move past a sadness that eats at my innermost thoughts and my outermost actions.

world, if you see me. please just give me a hug. you are too often cruel. give me hope if only for a blink of an eye.

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