At the age of 25 I am feeling a bit stuck but free at the same time. Recently, I have decided to leave my job in search of something. I know it was the right decision but I have no idea what that is going to look like. It makes me think a lot. There are so many different possibilities which gives me a sense of complete and utter freedom. Deep down there is still this feeling of being stuck. I just can't shake it. I'm the oldest child-typically a little more cautious and family oriented. After college I stayed close to home, maybe too close at times. I dream of a fantastic adventurous life but after my trip to San Diego, I was worried that I will always just be a homebody.
Growing up in a family, that's all I've ever known. Mom + Dad + sister + cats + dog + dinners & game nights + holiday gatherings + vacations = Life. Now that I've gotten past the ritualistic college rite of passage, I feel a bit lost without this "life" that I've been raised in, a family. Noise, chaos, messiness, scheduling, watching tv, feeding the dog, naps with sis, arguing about nothing, hugging, having your heart mended, and good family quality time. Now, as a single woman, things are quiet. Very quiet. My friends tell me to get cable. But that would require me to get a tv. I just can't bring myself to spend my savings on a television. But that just means the loneliness will continue every now and then. Luckily, it's only a few nights a week that I have to come up with things to keep me occupied. Like last night I had some time on my hands and I went to the library and rented movies. Then I returned them immediately and got books instead:
"Dig this Gig: Find your dream job--or invent it"
"The power of half"
"Too many bosses, too few leaders"
"the ragged edge of silence; finding peace in a noisy world"
"Scribble, scribble, scribble: writing on politics, ice cream, churchill, and my mother"
Last night as I got home I found myself angry. I'm angry that society has pushed feminism over the limits. And by society I mean women. By fighting for equal rights and advancement (which I'm totally in favor of being a smart, educated woman) something terrible happened. We gave up our most precious weapon: sexuality and true beauty. We now give something false. In an era of sexual freedom, we lose real freedom and protection. Yes, women can wait to get married and not have to marry some loaf or jackass their fathers sell them too (at least in our country). But to me, the worst thing is now men don't have to love a woman because they don't know what to look for and they don't care. Now, I am not trying to stereotype but it's just easier when you rant. I'm tired of being judged for caring about dating people who want to get married. "that's too much for up front, wait a little bit until you get to know them" while i think it's a valid point in today's modern world of dating, it's not fair. it's not fair that I have to put my heart out there and be cool, funny, vulnerable, driven, family-oriented, and a great catch while some dude just has to be somewhat attractive (or not) make some money and think about if he's ready to settle.
Feminism also has a reverse effect on men. There are some amazing men out there who will be awesome husbands and fathers. But because women are so much like men these days, it can be crushing on a man's spirit. They used to be charged to protect, now women protect themselves. they used to be charged to provide, now women provide for themselves. They used to be charged to bring honor to their families, now women are the downfall of broken marriages. I'm not saying that I want to go back 100+ years ago to get things right, but I'm just acknowledging the fact that somewhere, progress messed us up. With progress, we sacrifice. Right now, being single I feel like I'm not protected. Now, my singleness is partly by choice and partly because I haven't met my Boaz. I could have a boyfriend if I wanted but that's not what I want. I really am looking for the love of my life and the person I want to be my family. This person would protect me from a life of dating men that will break my heart and crush my spirit. This person would protect my honor as a good woman. This person would protect my feminity and allow me to fully reveal the beauty of being a daughter of the Most High King.
Some people might hate this post but I guess I'm just feeling funny without a family. I don't think I fit in with the working world so much and because of feminism I have to work, when all i want to do is take care of people, volunteer, and go on family vacations. This is not my destiny right now and so I have to continue looking for the "perfect job" to pay the bills and give me purpose. I'm not happy about it. But...being of faith, I know that all things work for good. I'm in no way searching for a husband but I am trying to be lead by the Spirit of God in my life. I am open to a life of being single but I think the community should care more for those who are single. I am rejoining my singles group at church to do just this. The bars don't care for us, and in fact, they often just leave us in more misery than when we started!
On to a new chapter of my life and I'm hoping if I remain single that at least I get a little adventure out of it. Until then, I will be working on building my life on solid ground so that when hard times come I won't be washed away with the storms (parable in the book of Luke). Maybe there is someone else who will read this and understand and be encouraged. We don't have to become nuns.....yet. I'm just hoping I get to do something meaningful in the latter half of my 20s.