"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." CS Lewis
Lately, just been feeling incomplete. Yearning for more and learning life is just a progression of the next step. Why go to college? So you can get a job. Why get a job? So you can earn money. Why earn money? So you can buy stuff. Why buy stuff? So you can impress people and get a date. Why get a date? So you can maybe get married. Why get married? So you can have kids. Why have kids? So you can be happy and raise them to do all the things mentioned earlier. It's just a non-stop cycle of repeating humanity.
Coming To Terms
In order to be at peace with my life, my choices, and the things I can't control I look to eternity and find hope in the crucifixion of Christ. I'm just human and there is a certain order to our life here, but because of Christ, I get the chance to be born-again and live a resurrected life. A life undetermined by human standards and instead a life of freedom from that cyclical bondage. A life where I get full support in my identity, healing from my past life, and unconditional love from my maker. I get to have adopted family members from all-over the world as brothers and sisters in Christ --- totally demolishing segregation, intolerance, and narcissism that culture emits. #selfie #girlsnight #america
Reality
Right now, I'm in a desert when it comes to my life as a Christian. I feel dried out, thirsting for drink but feeling hopeless to finding an oasis. Too scared to even start the journey to seek, worried that there's nothing out there or it's all just been a mirage.
Holy Spirit Makeover
When I think of my life as a follower of Christ, I can imagine starting off it would look pretty much the same. I'd go to a Bible Study or Life Group but it would feel insincere and unnatural (social awkwardness and intimacy issues due to childhood bullying). Over time, maybe something would happen like real spiritual connectedness and growth. Instead of plumping up on theological head knowledge, it would start to change my heart.
Maybe all of the things I yearn for would start happening because I wouldn't be living in a way to satisfy my body, but my soul. The past 10 years I've been living to satisfy my loneliness by filling it with activities and boyfriends. That's a long f*ing time (curse word totally appropriate for that). Because of that I've missed out on building myself and who I want to be so that I can be who someone else might want from me. Maybe I could have grown into maturity and done what I've actually wanted to do since I was 20…. being a foster mom.
What Now?
Earthly things will always make me smile and happy: kittens, puppies, sweet tea, sunny days, hugs from my mom, watches, checklists, candles, good books, kissing, etc. Rarely will I be satisfied eternally and filled with joy or hope from these momentary things. On the other hand, knowing that I was created intimately and loved deeply makes all of those things sweeter. Instead of getting things to be happy, praying over things to know that it won't and to let go of our expectations (actually a pretty Buddhist ideology as well).
I'd like to get back to me, the unchained and healed version of me, so that I can live the life I was created for. No matter how simple. Culture wants us to believe we are special and kings of our life. Then reality hits and it's grossly depressing how ordinary we are meant to be. Extraordinary people aren't rich and famous but are courageous, upright, and honorable. Instead of sitting around watching other famous people on tv or shopping to look rich, I'm going to "do" instead of "be."I have started designing my house on my own without copying a pinterest or southern living photo. I am really looking forward to the building stage and metaphorically building the support to hold up an honorable life.
Peace. -LC
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