harvesting the moon

$ave Money Rap

2012-02-11T09:53:00.000-08:00

My name is Ron McCullough I'm the King of the Crowd,

I'm gonna make a million dollars and I'll show you how.

I know I'm just a teacher but you'll think I'm more a preacher

cause you'll take something home and you won't feel alone.

My Dad told me if you want to take it easy

then you gotta work real hard and put a little away.

If you do that then you will see, you can relax when you're 73...

Instead of working at Home Depot to make a buck or two

when your back is hurting and you're chillin with a younger crew.

"save a penny here save a penny there" won't change a thing.

but only 2 grand a year will change your perspective....

its like having one math class but a thousand electives

Booyah.

Can I get a do-over?

2012-02-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

today, i put kids in a situation where they were set up to fail. then i tried to talk to a teacher about a student. teachers were frustrated with a student. i do everything i can with certain kids but there is only so much i can actually do.

tomorrow I'm going to have a re-do. i'm apologizing to several kids. I'm talking to a parent. I'm having a group where we make valentine's cards instead of me trying to teach them.today kids go through a lot and grow up really fast. there have always been kids that grow up fast but now i see kids and probably 80% of middle schoolers act like they are on a reality tv show or have already "made it." its hard not to want to teach them a bunch of stuff about being a good person. but they don't care right now. it has to be natural and in the moment otherwise they resist. this is specifically middle school aged.

my cat bit me really bad tonight. perfect end to a crummy day. anything else universe? lets just get all of it out on this one day. i always try to stay positive but today its just not happening.

okay, tomorrow=re-do.

waiting game

2012-02-07T16:40:00.000-08:00

so i did a big thing yesterday. i put an offer on a house in my neighborhood. its an adorable little yellow bungalow, fenced in, with a driveway & garage in the back (unusual for the 'hood). The best part is that the seller approved what i offered (several thousand less than the listing price). i prayed about making the right offer. i was thinking it may be too low but now i'm happy because the closing costs were more than i expected. now its a waiting game on the bank to approve. i'm so nervous but glad to finally get a chance to have a home. its something i've wanted for years. the bank has 60 days to approve the offer since it's a short sale. i understand all of the risks i'm taking by owning a home but i tried to make the best financial decision based on my current life and the next few years. Jax is my home but this will be an investment/starter home. praying and listening to God's leading.

for all of you who have been tired of me talking about doing this, now is the time you can finally relax!!

22 Days

2012-02-01T17:08:00.000-08:00

If you had 22 days of vacation and no extra income, what would you do? how would you vacation? Start from Jacksonville, FL.

plan the best trip you can.......for less than $400!

Identity

2012-01-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

So, i've been thinking.....

i don't think i've been the best picker over my life span and it may be because i've been wishy-washy with who i am based on who i'm dating. i think its okay to be flexible, but your core values shouldn't be uprooted (unless someone has poor core values or none). its not that you have to be perfect to find a mate, I want fall in love with a man that has earned my respect and who treasures me. but in order to be treasured, i want to be the woman that pursues Christ and a man can trust me to be good to him, be a wonderful mother, and a servant in our community: The ideal Proverbs 30 woman. Not because i'm trying to fit a formula, but because i want a lasting, loving marriage that only grows stronger and better with time. in our culture, marriage gets worse with time until it gets so weak that it just crumbles to dust.

the truth is, it will be great to marry a man who submits to the Lord. It seems like the reason why marrying a practicing Christian (or same faith) is that a person is used to surrendering their will to God. In marriage, love is sacrificial. If someone is not used to submitting to another for the belief that by giving it up you get something better in return, then marriage will be a rocky road. The cool thing about a Christian marriage (seemingly) is that both people separately have already formed their identity in Christ, so when they join together....there is already a boundary of core values.

my prayer is that i will be a woman that deserves this kind of man and that there will be a man who treasures me like most precious jewels. i also pray that a good man will pursue my sister's heart so that she will know love. i actually would love it if this happened for her before me. Like now lol.

so for now, i think i am finally at a point where i'm just trying to figure out who i am. so for now, i will be keeping my place clean, eating ice cream, staying in shape, getting better at work, riding my bike, and doing lots of free stuff.

Become a Woman

2012-01-25T04:45:00.000-08:00

Today I'm deciding to become a real woman, a jewel.

I made up my mind to do that when I was 17, but I've been a fool.

So close but still missed the mark:

Been lost, been blind, still in the dark.

It's not just about me,

Now I'm a role model.

Doing right is not the easy road

But its the blessed one to follow.

Check out this poetry by Ahynte Womanhood

Going Back to Cali

2012-01-22T16:01:00.000-08:00

the weekend was great, fun, and full of laughter

i'll remember all the sweet moments & the enjoyment of your company.

i adored every minute of it.

sincerely hoping that in good timing you will take a leap of faith

and choose the adventure of love....

Window of Opportunity

2012-01-19T04:03:00.000-08:00

As Andrew looks out his window of the airplane, I'll be waiting anxiously for him to visit. After several months of talking and more recently sky ping, we'll finally get to see each other in real life! It's been a year since we met and it's always great to know someone you can really connect with, even if it's just for a season of life. I planned an awesome weekend as he comes to Jax for vacation and I just can't wait :-)

21st Century Romance

2012-01-12T22:57:00.001-08:00

After several failed attempts at love relationships, I am left wondering, "Does romance still exist?" I've noticed that guys tend to treat women like.....guys. Heavy sarcasm, putting down, or being a buddy. Everything seems to get rushed and then you are left a little dazed and uncharmed. the sweet text messages, office emails, and fb message posts are the new love letters of the 21st century.

Before I had a cell phone, I met my first real boyfriend at church during a youth group properly named the "Dating Game" to set up a series on love relationships during the month of February. I was the bachelorette and I got to choose from 3 mystery bachelors. After a week of waiting anxiously, we went on our first group date. The conversation flowed and it seemed like no one else existed. That night he walked me to my car and we made a date for the following week. We exchanged HOME phone numbers. We had breakfast REALLY early one morning and then that evening he came to see my school musical, Bye Bye Birdie which I had a minor lead role in (singing duet too!) and brought flowers. A few days after that, he asked me to go to prom with him and be his girlfriend. And I remember all of this because I recorded it very diligently in my diary. It was all very romantic. I'll never forget the first time we held hands, it was incredibly electric!

While I will probably never speak to this person again, it's hard to forget these little touching moments. The excitement, the mystery of getting to know someone without a lot or any physical touch is almost unbearable! But this, I am convinced, is where the magic happens.

without that long waiting period, you stop longing. you get comfortable. you don't do special dinners or dates but "i'm bored" dates and "i don't want to cook" dinners. those aren't dates. it shouldn't be a lot of pressure to romance a girl, i think it should come natural when you like someone!

I'm not writing this to rant but to shed light on something. Romance has its benefits. A truly, enjoyable, loving, exciting, and mysterious relationship throughout your life. The courting shouldn't stop once a couple becomes engaged or married. I'd love for me and the person I love to passionately pursue each other until the day we die. Life is incredibly tiring and can be hard. Why not have an adventure with the love of your life?

I don't want to get married and have children, that's not my life goal. I do want to fall

madly in love and share my life and future. I want to love someone so much that I can't wait for us to have children together. I've met just a few guys that have given me a glimpse into what that kind of life could look like and it gives me hope that this kind of love is possible. the "i'll put my cell phone down, move out of my parent's house, stare at you for hours, stop playing video games, dress up" kind of love. lol that would be nice. there's nothing sexier to me than a real man who loves Jesus, can fix something around the house, care for others, help clean the dishes, and move furniture. A true gentleman. i think that is what makes the difference between the ones you date and the ones you mate! there's a special connection, a romance that only the Creator can orchestrate....

yes, I've been reading a book about this kind of stuff. sorry. its good!

Son of a Nutcracker!

2012-01-11T18:54:00.001-08:00

my sister wrote about me so I'm going to write about her.

BOOM.

ok, now that i got her back..... I'm just going to say this. i hate waiting. i'll never say it out loud bc I'm trying to be cool, but really I'm a nervous wreck. time zones aren't helping either.

so this actually is a real country song, "Timing is Everything" but in the movie it didn't work out. well, sorta. so here's to staying cool, keep on keeping on, and a bunch of other cliche things. As my sister wrote, give it over to God.

ps. if you think you are getting away with a "free" puppy or kitty, think again. not only is there the toys and healthcare costs but the unexpected ones like, oh, an $80 power cord for your Mac.

A Safe Haven

2012-01-09T18:42:00.000-08:00

As uncomfortable as I can feel in church sometimes, to me the point is that it is a safe haven

to worship God and get encouragement

from other believers. I think we may spend to much

time focused on activities at church than living out

the Gospel where we are daily: work, family, friends,

neighborhood/street. to me, its a relational faith

so the church should be people invested and

available to those who need the hope of a LIVING God.

The church is not an activity to fill in our Sunday morning

spot.

Relevant Magazine Article on Why Young Adults are Leaving the Church

"i think it's as simple as making friends. watching movies together. having bbqs. just hanging out. without the pressure to shake hands with those around you right before offering is lifted. once the relationships become intimate enough you feel comfortable to read and pray together. to say "you know what? i want to set money aside each paycheck and do something with it...i want to give it to the homeless shelter....i want to knock on my neighbors' doors and ask to make sure that they have enough or make sure they are okay...that if they need help i'll be here with $30 set aside from my paycheck this week." Karelys Beltran, a comment left on why 20 somethings are leaving the church and what is church really?

Peter The Rock

2012-01-09T04:30:00.000-08:00

For the past 6 years, I've really been struggling with The Christian Church. It seems so idealistic but so imperfect. Many people shout "Hypocrite!" at the site of a Christian and the face of The Church.

To really look at The Church, one must look at Peter. The disciple of Jesus who fervently loved and betrayed his Lord. Peter was the only one to walk out on the stormy waters to meet Jesus, but doubted to the point of drowning. Only to be rescued. "Peter, you of little faith." Peter announced his profound love and following of Jesus, but after Jesus's crucifixion, denied even knowing him 3 times. This is the same man Jesus said, Peter you are the Rock in which I will build my church and not even the gates of hell can destroy it. Jesus foretold Peter's denial but in the same way shed grace enough to build a church of imperfect, spiritually thirsty people to give them the well of the living water---The Holy Spirit.

The Church is not meant to be a place to come together to feel better about yourself or to learn to be a good person. The Church truly is supposed to be the living body of Christ. Each part has its function and to lift up the other parts. I'm realizing more and more that the body of Christ is there to support each other to be perfect, as God is perfect. Knowing myself and how imperfect, selfish, vain I can be....it seems impossible. But the cool thing is the promise of grace. I am made perfect in Christ with the constant renewal of my mind. But again, I don't think the main idea is to be good, but to love God with our whole body, heart, soul, mind. How do we love God? Specifically by loving others. Love our neighbors, love those who persecute us, love those who are cast out from society, love the weak and those who need love the most. Not to make ourselves feel good (getting reward) but by sharing hope of a living God with the hopeless.

I just can't get over that God shared this message to extend love to society's "lowest" of people--the beggars, thieves, liars, disabled, diseased, the outcast.....

Now I don't think people have a problem with this part of Christ's message. I'm not sure that's offensive. I think what people have trouble with is that Jesus called his followers to quit sinning. That is the all the difference. Being a Christian is a difficult decision because it means that one has to deny themselves which is opposite of what feels natural. I want to challenge that. If sinning and evil is natural, then why not work hard to overcome those "natural" desires to put ourselves first? I've tried to put rules on myself to help with the sin. Let me tell you, it hasn't worked. But when I focus on purity and love, grace covers any sin.

So with Peter, The Rock, he was pretty rocky. But his love and drive to share the hope of the living God showed how grace gives us strength. People will always look for Christ followers to mess up so they can easily shout "Hypocrite!" but knowing that "Yes, I am imperfect, daily made perfect by the forgiveness of all transgressions" will help me persevere when I feel weakest. The Church is the rock to get that strength and foundation to be able to fervently love others in the face of hate, persecution, and our own selfish desires. A place of strength to rebuild our lives in the wake of tragedy, devastation, and personal defeats. A place of refuge and restoration. But the Church is not a place, as in a building, but it is in a body of people. A body of imperfect people with serious flaws. This was Jesus' plan all along. In our imperfections, we can only be humbled as we look towards heaven for guidance. Only in our humbleness are we able to lower ourselves and love others. It is easy for a wealthy man to give of his riches, but it is difficult for him to see the kingdom of heaven.

1 Peter 1:3-12 www.biblegateway.com

Bicycle

2012-01-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

I had a great, happy day. Florida sunshine. big sunglasses. reggae music on "boom box" things are looking good. made a great tasty lunch. learning about eating healthy organic food because of how much bad is in regular "food" still convinced that food is killing us. but...i did eat some crazy nachos. i can't wait to have a great kitchen one day so I can really make amazing meals without going out to eat all the time. I also read this great blog post today. It's about marriage and how you are bound to marry the "wrong" person. I loved it. It was totally positive though! Please Please read!

http://m.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person

Vegetarian

2012-01-07T05:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Camper!!!!
This whole meal maybe cost less than $1
Sweet Potatoes with salt, sugar, paprika

I've started off the New year with eating vegetarian. Last night I broke the trend with part of a Scotch Egg. If you don't know what it is....you haven't lived. Its absolutely deliciously disgusting. Its is a hardboiled egg inside of a huge sausage thing deep fried with stone mustard sauce. YUM. Other than that, I haven't eaten meat....oh wait, I had meatballs. ok, I've barely had meat. I used to eat meat at EVERY meal:

breakfast: eggs, bacon, sausage
lunch: ham/turkey, burgers, chicken, etc
dinner: chicken, steak, fish

After watching the documentary Forks Over Knives, I was sick. IT basically shows how Americans are the sickest people pretty much in the world. Heart disease, diabetes, and cancer are literally killing us but we spend so much money on healthcare that it postpones the inevitable while we stuff our faces with food. The whole point of the film is that our nation's excessive meat product intake directly correlates with our nation's disease rate. I'm not completely cutting out meat but it makes sense to limit intake. we only have 4 canine teeth. That means our body can't process a lot of meat--just looks at our intestines. too long to let rotting food sit in there. its a great way to get rid of stinky farts.

anyway, i'm excited to start eating better (and its also tasting great!) there is more to vegetarian meals than salads (which I don't like). rice, beans, green peppers, onions, tomatoes, grapefruit, quesadillas, grilled tofu, etc.

Watch the movie and think for yourself!

Adventure.....at home

2012-01-07T04:43:00.001-08:00

I love traveling and getting out of Dodge. Over the years I've been fortunate to get out of town to see friends on many occasions (thanks friends for being brave enough to move out of Florida). The thing is, I really love home. You won't catch me saying that often in public, but I do love this wacky Jville. I was able to see the firework show on the river for the FIRST time in my memory since we moved here in 1993. Let me tell you, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I've seen 4th of July fireworks in Chicago off the Pier, other little places, and Jax Beach (which last year weren't bad). Something about watching the 5 min long firework display over the St Johns river with the reflection in the Wells Fargo building was spectacular. It made me be glad I live in a river ocean city. THis year I want some adventure and I want to make sure that I have the right people in my life. We can be friends with people because we've known them forever but sometimes they just aren't good for us. I think I'm also at a point in my life where my interests are changing and I'm getting to be the real me. I'm going to start being more like Kelly and read more books and tell people I can't hang out bc I'm tired but secretly I'm hiding in my room reading Hunger Games. Then I'll secretly be enjoying watching my kitten grow up and playing with anything that looks at him sideways (socks included). SO maybe my adventures in life won't be so crazy. I'd still like the opportunity to live to the fullest. I hope that i'll never turn down something I want, but at this time no doors have opened for anything to wild. The biggest open door was for my current job so I'm just thrilled at its own little adventure with learning how to work with this age group. Jacksonville is a great city with a lot of little day adventures to offer if you put yourself out there. Here are some ideas:

http://www.kayakamelia.com

http://www.floridastateparks.org/littletalbotisland/

http://www.dep.state.fl.us/gwt/guide/regions/north/trails/jacksonville_baldwin.htm

http://www.jaxfarmersmarket.com/

On a side note: Kelly told me I should go to Greece this summer.....I'm thinking about it. But it's hard not to think about the money.

Pillar of Faith

2012-01-02T18:14:00.000-08:00

This week has been the most challenging week for me spiritually. I've been feeling a bit attacked and not personally but in general. In high school I never cared to fit in with people and had no trouble being different, but as I got older I started caring. I was sensitive to others and conformed my values and beliefs based on how comfortable others could be with it.

Let me preference this with saying: I am a proud, public school educated, intellectual woman. I think about things 100 times and try things 100 ways before I make a solid decision. I am open-minded and like to learn new perspectives and hear others world views (even if they aren't ones that I share). I am conservative and liberal. I vote Republican AND Democrat AND Independent. I eat at McDonalds and try to eat vegetarian. I like country music and rap, line dancing and booty dancing. I love cats AND dogs. (i just can't pick up dog poo). I believe in individual rights and community rights. I know that good and evil exists. I know that in order for their to be evil, there must be a standard for what is not evil. I'm not prejudging what is considered evil either, that's for the reader to discover for themselves. I honestly don't love ALL people but I do care for people and have compassion for the human condition.

With that said: The people around me this week have really pushed me to make a decision. One that hasn't been easy for me, someone who typically likes to fly under the radar [religiously speaking]. For some reason, just recently, it seems like there have been a LOT of people hating on Jesus and Christians. I think a big reason at the moment is the Tim Tebow hype. This week an old friend I used to really admire talked about his "disdain for the Bible" and Christians because of response to a comment Bill Maher said earlier. I totally understand but I think everything has gotten out of control. Read this if you are interested in a poignant response of the Tebow hatred by someone who claims to not be religious at all.

Everybody's mad: I thought being a Christian would be easy or a little hard, like choosing not to deny Christ in a Columbine situation or staying away from vices. But no, that's not it at all. Being a Christian is a daily choice to deny self. I feel like I am at constant battle with myself. I haven't give over full control yet--to literally just trust and obey. Going with the flow doesn't always work with Christianity because as I've seen in the past week----going with the flow is going against everything Jesus preached. When others hate the Gospel, you must love it. When people hate you, you must continue to love them. Not out of duty, but because love is healing. The love of something perfect doesn't just cover up wounds but can literally heal them. Jesus entrusted some of the most plain, despised, and flip-floppy men with a mission to heal a people who have been wounded by things like greed (the 99%), gluttony (the sick), perversion (incest), and the loss of loved ones, with the promise of hope of a life after death.

What does this mean? This weekend someone asked me why I attribute good things in my life as an answer to prayer from God instead of something of my own power that made a positive change. It was an interesting question that no one has ever asked me, but I sincerely have wondered myself. I think that prayer is a fancy word to describe conversation with a holy spiritual being (to make it different than going to call a friend on the phone). But the time I spend in prayer is when I feel most vulnerable, open, and intimate with God. It can be like that time right before bed, pillow-talk. You usually are most open and that bonds people. Think of all the childhood sleepovers with friends and staying up all night talking about life and dreams and for me, boys and movies. I have never felt closer with my friends than when we spent that precious time opening our hearts to each other. When I talk to God, I just feel like I'm being hugged. I find it interesting that this concept offends people. The mere existence of God is offensive as Paul said it would be. The message is clear---we are not of this world, all of this is temporary.

I was talking to a kid at school and we were playing a special game of JENGA where I wrote questions on the pieces just to get kids to open up a little and so I could learn about them. One of the most intriguing answers I got to "What is something you are afraid of?" was "I'm afraid of going to hell." She said it so thoughtfully and matter-of-factly. not like it was burning inside of her but it was a real fear. I thought, you know what....deep down, I am too. Not in the way where I care what anybody else thinks, but at the end of the day I will have to account for my own life. What if afterlife is real and there are consequences for the life lived on earth? Am I really prepared for a life separated from the One i love?

I'm starting to lose my train of thought and recognizing this is not my best post.

All of this to say, I have to make a decision which side of the fence I'm going to jump on. The more that people hate on Christianity....the more I'm thinking that there is something to it beyond just going to church. I'm not saying Christianity is perfect or that religion is perfect and without hypocrites or fallacies. It's worth the investigation on your own to seek truth and not just assume. I've had a relationship with God since I was a little child and I can't deny the truths I've seen. I'm ready to accept that people will think I'm crazy, stupid, and idiot for believing in unseen things. I don't know where God came from or why God is invisible. I also can't tell you how living things came into being without being created. something NEVER comes from nothing. so i guess the people who think religious people are crazy are just afraid to ask the question "what if" and find the answer that no one can truly know The Beginning of all things and all life. I've already answered my own question "what if there is no God?" and wasn't satisfied. I know there is more to ME and life that just a heartbeat. Its all a beautiful work, a magnum opus.

Psalm 28:1-2

"Lord, I call to you;

my rock, do not be deaf to me.

If you remain silent to me,

I will be like those going down to the Pit.

Liten to the sound of my pleading when I cry to You for help,

When I lift up my hands to Your holy sanctuary."

New Year, New You

2011-12-31T05:30:00.001-08:00

2012.

*Apply to be a Registered Social Work Intern by Feb 1st

*Get the Local Arlington Chamber Council more heavily involved in the Arlington area schools

*Study Spanish and practice speaking

*Start and finish a bible study with a group

*Eat more fruits and vegetables

*Apply to teach at FSCJ as an SLS instructor (Freshman class)

*Write notes to people that have mentored and helped me along the way.

*Volunteer regularly at the Clara White Mission.

*Be a better mentor to Chriyana.

* Get up at 6am every weekday morning, exercise, Sabbath time, breakfast, news, shower

*Spend a week out west: Colorado

*Take up kick boxing or some kind of class

*Volunteer with Downtown Jacksonville

*Enjoy at least 5 stay-cations:

1. Tubing down Ichetucknee

2. Kayak Amelia

3. Camping somewhere

4. Horseback Riding at Amelia

5. Hike a GA trail: get hiking boots and a hiking pack

*See a band in Charleston and visit with cousins

*Cut out beer from diet and milk

*Eat less than 3-4 meats a week

*Save Sunday nights to plan meals and lunches for the week while doing laundry

*Study for GMAT or LSAT

*Let myself be open to love

*Get to know my friends better, cultivate deeper more meaningful relationships with fewer people

Self-reminder of who I want to be

2011-12-19T10:41:00.000-08:00

Love is patient,

love is kind.

It does not envy,

it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others,

it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects,

always trusts,

always hopes,

always perseveres.

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Remembering these things will help me be a better daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother. Being patient, kind, understanding, and keeping no record of wrongs will help me be better with children. There are people who don't understand God but they understand Love. We have this ideal of perfection when it comes to love but who is ever the "perfect" lover? The unfailing one. To me, it can only be the Unfailing One. That standard of perfection. The more I seek understanding of God, the more I fall completely in love. "Oh how He loves me" takes over and leaves me feeling strengthened and beautiful. When your heart is pursued and romanced by the Creator of the Universe, settling for anything less is undesirable. In the past I haven't been the best at loving pure heartedly either which disappoints me. I'm hoping that God will teach me how to love a man and to be loved by one. I want that agape love, family love, lifetime of joy and sorrow love. I want to grow old with someone but we see each other the way we did when we first met. ying & yang.

Until then, I'm going fishing with my Dad.

Update: Nothing too special, just happy

2011-12-17T17:46:00.000-08:00

Life these days are pretty fantastic. I have an

incredible job, a few great friends i can count on,

and so much to do! I've been hating on Jacksonville for awhile, but the city just keeps getting better. there are some friends i really miss seeing regularly, but thats life in a big city....every one lives spread out from each other and work/life gets crazy. while everything has been great, it seems like i lose touch with my self every now and then. because of my personality and my career, i'm always doing things for other people so they feel great and comfortable. i've been trying to develop my own interests, beliefs, and values. i started painting for fun again which is just a great way to relieve stress and give me some me time. The last thing I used to do for me time was tanning bed but I'm too afraid of melanoma now.

I'm settling into my apartment and to Springfield. I really love it here and am looking to get more involved in the development aspect. I love helping people and do it a lot with my job but I am kind of exhausted from giving so much of my self all of the time. Outside of work, I'll still volunteer but I'm looking to develop skills and hobbies that are for me. something i'm good at that can benefit people in a bigger scheme of things. I really want to see my neighborhood flourish and become a safe, exciting, vibrant center of town that feels like home. I want downtown to be a place where people come together to share ideas, culture, and activities! I'm definitely going to pursue this now that I'm feeling a little more settled in my job.

Off to see a movie with my best friend Ariane in our Pjs! Yay for girls weekend so far!

New Directions

2011-11-16T22:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in awhile and need to give an update.

1) I didn't move to Nashville

2) I am now 26

3) I got a kitten.

That's a brief overview. The long story is that God is totally working in my life and opened doors here in Jacksonville. The crazy thing is that when I was visiting in Nashville with the intention to pick up and move there, I felt really uneasy and got really bad anxiety over it. I felt stuck because my job was making me pretty unhappy but I knew how difficult it had been to find a new job in my field. I was going to give up and just settle because I hated waitressing and didn't want to do that in Nashville. Literally, a week after I got back from vacation my CEO let me know about an opening for a job that did not exist. They intended to offer it to me without opening it up to others to apply. It was the job I had wanted from the very beginning. God's timing is perfect. I wouldn't have been ready for this position back at the age of 23. I had way too much going on in my personal life to handle the responsibilities of this job. Now, I am grateful and appreciative and am pretty obsessed with working with middle school kids. They are really special little people.

That's all for now because it's late and my tummy hurts. More updates soon!

This really resonated with me from Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens

Problems only in the middle class

2011-07-22T15:55:00.001-07:00

I am finding myself compaining lately. I hate that. My complaint is valid for a middle class member of society: I want to do something relevant and important in life. I want to make a difference and do something that counts (where I can maintain an income). Something challenging but fun!

As I think this, my mind wanders to a documentary I saw the other night with kelly called "God Grew Tired of Us" about the Lost Boys of Sudan. When some of the men immigrated to America they had dreams of working and sending home money to their friend-family. In a refugee camp where they had a sense of community and cultural relevancy while suffering from hunger and disease, the American experience was overwhelming. Just from first thought, it would be obvious the bustling cities and technology would be the cause. At first, yes. But the reality of it was the lack of community and culture among Americans. These Lost Boys were truly lost in America. Most of them worked 2 jobs, leaving at 5am and getting home between 11-2am. Just to do it all over again. They missed their brothers. People weren't friendly. America wasn't the dream they had hoped, but they were just glad to be free from violence and suffering.

While I am complaining about not having the perfect/dream job (which I do in many ways), there are people that don't have an option to even dream about such luxuries. A job is a job and pays the bills. I still would like to do more, I just can't figure out in what capacity.

On a hopeful note, I think people can make change in ways that has nothing to do with a job. One of the men from the movie ended up being the Secretary of a Sudanese Council to advocate to the government for continued support of the ongoing trouble in Sudan. Outside of his job opportunites, he rose to leadership. I am going to challenge myself to this: developing my identity and doing the things I'm good at well, really well. Stay in Jax? not sure. if i do, i'm going to commit to something in service and also develop a hobby.

anyway, tonight i am taking a break from hanging out with people for some "me time" and also "cleaning my apartment time" while my face is peeling from a bad sunburn this week. I have barely been home in 2 weeks so it needs a good scrubbing!

Teenagers

2011-07-12T18:34:00.000-07:00

Being a teenager: "Forging some kind of character out of nothing." -Carrie Fisher. Never heard a truer statement about being a teenager! Being 25 is not much different. I'm almost getting to the point where there is worry setting in that I won't have anything to blame feeling lost on once I turn 26....haha. But, who cares!

the more I apply for jobs, the more confident I feel and better my cover letter/resumes get. Now just for the step after the applying is hard. Maybe i should apply for and interview for jobs that i won't take just to boost my interviewing skills. McDonalds perhaps? That's teenagery. Teenagers don;t have to worry whether or not they will hire you because you aren't qualified. You just have to be willing to work hard and friendly! When you have 2+ years of work experience, you have to be sharp on interviews and assertive. It's not quite a date. I really want to do some amazing things in my life and in my work so I really need to show off my heart, passion, and drive.

All this to say, I'm really glad I'm not a teenager anymore. So I need to stop acting like it! I have a great future ahead of me and I really need to believe in myself. I also need to trust that God loves me, individually me, and has a plan. "Call to me and i will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know" Jeremiah 33:3 I like this one too, Not really expected from someone who thinks about themselves all of the time: "The Lord said to me, 'You have seen correctly, for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled.' " Jeremiah 1:12

God is pretty cool. I hate saying that. But really, really cool. It's not about how great or happy or successful i turn out to be. God does care about me and is watching. heck, he also invites me to turn to him! but...he is watching the choices i make which is a daily process. He'll get the work done with or without me. In the last verse I am pretty sure He is talking about the coming of Jesus Christ. Even Jesus suffered willingly to fufill the word of God-the promise of hope and reconcilliation for all people.

I think that as Christians or even as people who don't quite understand/believe the message of Christ, we are too focused on the salvation part, "being saved" but we don't know what we are being saved from....hell? What is hell exactly? I've never seen it but based on description I definitely know I dont want to go there. Heaven sounds pretty cool in comparison. Streets made of gold, no tears or hunger, etc. But the key thing a lot of people forget is why we actually are supposed to want to go to Heaven---because God is there!!

Being a Christian doesn't solely mean that you now have a free one way ticket to heaven, it means that we have been reconciled [spelling?] with the God of the universe, our creator! Since creation/fall of man, God has been trying to get back in touch with us without forcing us to. As soon as he does something good for the people he loves, they forget once things get hard again. If God was a sports team owner and life was the team, we would be fairweather fans. But He never forces us to buy tickets or even watch the game. But oh how sweet it is to connect with a team and follow it through it's ups and downs! Well, not the greatest analogy but that's just one perspective. It's hard to describe something spiritual with physical attributes...

Ready for bed and looking forward to tomorrow, no particular reason just happy for another day! There is an ornery woman at work and I really need to figure out how to deal with it kindly. She doesnt like me at all, I know it. She scolds me EVERY day that I work at camp.

Goodnight!

Mountain-Top Experience

2011-07-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

While a lot of people need mountain-top experiences to find God, I just needed a mountain-view experience to be encouraged. This past weekend I went on a rafting/cabin trip with my singlas group at church and had a great time. I wasn't going to go because I didn't know who was going and felt embarrassed that I haven't been to life groups in a long time. My last "summer camp" experience was when I was a counselor in 2006, then in 2004 as a camper! All of us girls laughed at how we felt like kids at camp again, sleeping in bunk beds at the cabin site. We stayed up late talking about life and laughing at ourselves. I was just so happy to meet new people and share the experience with my sister. There were a few bumps in the road but in the end, the whole trip encouraged me to connect to other Christians for friendship and support. Everytime I talk about my faith and where I'm struggling, it's been even more frustrating because I haven;t had anyone that is able to say "Yeah, I've totally been there but this is what helped me or how God provided..." it's more like "I mean, whatever you believe is cool. i'm not really into that but sure"

I really see a change in my future and at this point I am planning to move to Tennessee for a new career/life opportunity. Although I will miss my new and old friends, this trip encouraged me to let me know I can make new friends at the next spot and know that i'll just have a cool place for my old friends to come visit! I am seriously hoping that the CEO of The Next Door emails me back soon so I can make definite plans. For back story: I was looking for non-profit employment in Nashville on Friday morning and came across this non-profit The Next Door. It sounded awesome so I researched the organization a little more. I got busy and had coffee with my friend Andrew who stopped through town so I put that off. He had really great advice and it was just nice to talk to another free-spirited person. Anyway, as I was waitressing that night, my very first table happened to be the CEO of that SAME ORGANIZATION!! This may be hard to understand but this is kind of ridiculous that the CEO of a non-profit is in Jacksonville---on vacation--at my restaurant--at my table. I tell God I don;t need a sign, but this to me is a nudge. I'm willing to take the risk and I think I'm just going to move there job or not. That will be my leap of faith. I'm also praying tonight that my bank will allow me to skip a payment for my car loan (which they said they couldn't because the loan is too new--ive had it for 5 months with this bank but 2 years with my previous bank). If they don't I'll need prayers for financial peace. I'm really willing to sacrifice to make the move and start an adventure.

I will definitely keep you all updated and we will see how God leads me in the next few weeks! I hope that I can spend as much time as possible sharing time, love, and laughter in the weeks to come! So, I didn't need a "Mountain-top high" to get me synched into to the love of God, but just a vision of the mountains to help me soar to the latter part of being 20-something....

Family & Feminism

2011-06-29T04:37:00.000-07:00

At the age of 25 I am feeling a bit stuck but free at the same time. Recently, I have decided to leave my job in search of something. I know it was the right decision but I have no idea what that is going to look like. It makes me think a lot. There are so many different possibilities which gives me a sense of complete and utter freedom. Deep down there is still this feeling of being stuck. I just can't shake it. I'm the oldest child-typically a little more cautious and family oriented. After college I stayed close to home, maybe too close at times. I dream of a fantastic adventurous life but after my trip to San Diego, I was worried that I will always just be a homebody.

Growing up in a family, that's all I've ever known. Mom + Dad + sister + cats + dog + dinners & game nights + holiday gatherings + vacations = Life. Now that I've gotten past the ritualistic college rite of passage, I feel a bit lost without this "life" that I've been raised in, a family. Noise, chaos, messiness, scheduling, watching tv, feeding the dog, naps with sis, arguing about nothing, hugging, having your heart mended, and good family quality time. Now, as a single woman, things are quiet. Very quiet. My friends tell me to get cable. But that would require me to get a tv. I just can't bring myself to spend my savings on a television. But that just means the loneliness will continue every now and then. Luckily, it's only a few nights a week that I have to come up with things to keep me occupied. Like last night I had some time on my hands and I went to the library and rented movies. Then I returned them immediately and got books instead:

"Dig this Gig: Find your dream job--or invent it"

"The power of half"

"Too many bosses, too few leaders"

"the ragged edge of silence; finding peace in a noisy world"

"Scribble, scribble, scribble: writing on politics, ice cream, churchill, and my mother"

Last night as I got home I found myself angry. I'm angry that society has pushed feminism over the limits. And by society I mean women. By fighting for equal rights and advancement (which I'm totally in favor of being a smart, educated woman) something terrible happened. We gave up our most precious weapon: sexuality and true beauty. We now give something false. In an era of sexual freedom, we lose real freedom and protection. Yes, women can wait to get married and not have to marry some loaf or jackass their fathers sell them too (at least in our country). But to me, the worst thing is now men don't have to love a woman because they don't know what to look for and they don't care. Now, I am not trying to stereotype but it's just easier when you rant. I'm tired of being judged for caring about dating people who want to get married. "that's too much for up front, wait a little bit until you get to know them" while i think it's a valid point in today's modern world of dating, it's not fair. it's not fair that I have to put my heart out there and be cool, funny, vulnerable, driven, family-oriented, and a great catch while some dude just has to be somewhat attractive (or not) make some money and think about if he's ready to settle.

Feminism also has a reverse effect on men. There are some amazing men out there who will be awesome husbands and fathers. But because women are so much like men these days, it can be crushing on a man's spirit. They used to be charged to protect, now women protect themselves. they used to be charged to provide, now women provide for themselves. They used to be charged to bring honor to their families, now women are the downfall of broken marriages. I'm not saying that I want to go back 100+ years ago to get things right, but I'm just acknowledging the fact that somewhere, progress messed us up. With progress, we sacrifice. Right now, being single I feel like I'm not protected. Now, my singleness is partly by choice and partly because I haven't met my Boaz. I could have a boyfriend if I wanted but that's not what I want. I really am looking for the love of my life and the person I want to be my family. This person would protect me from a life of dating men that will break my heart and crush my spirit. This person would protect my honor as a good woman. This person would protect my feminity and allow me to fully reveal the beauty of being a daughter of the Most High King.

Some people might hate this post but I guess I'm just feeling funny without a family. I don't think I fit in with the working world so much and because of feminism I have to work, when all i want to do is take care of people, volunteer, and go on family vacations. This is not my destiny right now and so I have to continue looking for the "perfect job" to pay the bills and give me purpose. I'm not happy about it. But...being of faith, I know that all things work for good. I'm in no way searching for a husband but I am trying to be lead by the Spirit of God in my life. I am open to a life of being single but I think the community should care more for those who are single. I am rejoining my singles group at church to do just this. The bars don't care for us, and in fact, they often just leave us in more misery than when we started!

On to a new chapter of my life and I'm hoping if I remain single that at least I get a little adventure out of it. Until then, I will be working on building my life on solid ground so that when hard times come I won't be washed away with the storms (parable in the book of Luke). Maybe there is someone else who will read this and understand and be encouraged. We don't have to become nuns.....yet. I'm just hoping I get to do something meaningful in the latter half of my 20s.

The Least of These

2011-03-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

Our society is predominately individualistic. Kids today mostly have this idea that they are raising themselves (whether true or not). A lot of the times adults look down on adolescents and talk to them as if they aren't valuable. Some adults also seem bothered with nurturing children. Kelly and I were at the beach and these girls were laying out completely ignoring their 3 year old that was with the group. She really was the saddest little kid at the whole beach. A sad kid at the beach is next to impossible. Most kids were laughing, screaming, running, playing. To me, it breaks my heart to see adults treating kids like grown-ups too young.

Today I was able to volunteer with the PreK class at Community Connections, a family transition housing shelter. 4 & 5 year olds are awesome! They are so smart, intuitive, and incredibly sensitive. I was a new friend to the class so they all were so hungry for attention. Imagine being a parent to 14 kids! They all wanted to show off how fast and skilled they were at each of their play activities. "Look at me, look at me!" several screamed across the playground. It made my heart just melt. I noticed the other adults were sitting off just watching the kids play. Working with kids is a tough job but I think it's important to nurture kids at this age. There were some playground squabbles and I was able to help teach the kids how to play with each other. There was not one single child who could share or play with another kid with the same toy (like a ball or bat). We finally got to a place where the kids were at least able to line up to share playing with the bat & ball. Even with that, there were some shed tears.

A few of us played house and some of the kids called me "mommy." I wasn't comfortable with that at first but then I made sure they knew we were just playing pretend. We had story-telling in the fort and within 2 minutes there were 5 kids sitting with me. It's interesting letting a 4 year old tell a story that they make up. it tells you a lot about their environment. One girl talked about violent killing of the main characters of her story. Children soak up so much information that you really have to create a safe and loving environment. These are little children who deserve love, kindness, discipline, and nurturing. I see too often parents think that yelling & spanking kids when they misbehave is all you need to do to be a parent.

In our own community there is an apparent need for outreach and volunteer services. Residents really don't need to go across the world once a year to do a "mission trip" when there are so many opportunities to serve on a weekly if not daily basis. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone made their own little impact in their own community. I am getting so angry about the horrible things people do to other human-beings. I'd love to just hear wonderful things people are doing for each other in the smallest ways. Smiling, kindness, opening doors, etc. These little things make a difference. Maybe even if people took a risk and got out of their comfort zone they would find the world a much more appealing place. Not until you recognize the beauty within the "least of these" people will we find the beauty within ourselves. For me, it gives meaning and purpose to life. It's easy to give to those we can expect to receive something from, but a whole different story to give to those who can never pay us back.

Today I realized I am completely fine with waiting to have children. They are exhausting! Other than that, just happy to hang out with some incredibly sweet little people. It's nice to be around kids who still just want lots of hugs :)

My Gift

2011-03-15T16:20:00.001-07:00

I've seen God blessing me in ways that I couldn't and wouldn't have ever dreamed. I would have never asked to have things happened in my life the way they have. God took some pretty terrible things from me, healed me, and gave me hope. I know it was God too. As my diversity instructor told my class in college, out of all of the religions she dabbled in and practiced, "they all gave me peace, but only Jesus gave me healing."

Now several years later, I am understanding that I too need to be healed. I thought I could heal myself and I thought I was finished. Instead I just closed myself off and ignored the pain. In psychlogy they call it dissociating. I had literally cut out a part of my life. That was positive because I moved on with my life. Unfortunately, if you don't recognize pain and treat it, it will come back when you least expect it. Relationships have been really difficult for me. I've been trying to control situations and the people that I date as a way of protecting myself. Never once have I put God in control because at the end of the day, I didn't trust in that god. That god didn't need to be bothered by me. I'm smart and can take care of myself. Boy was I wrong.

In life I think a lot of people feel more comfortable making up the idea of God, but then the idea of God is really just being in control on your own. For most people, we pretend that we have everything under control. In reality, the world is in constant chaos and at any moment life can be shaken up like an earthquake. This week I saw video of a tsunami uprooting BUILDINGS and washing them down the street. A mother lost her son while he was playing outside and was hit by a car. A 22 year old girl was hit by a drunk teenage driver and killed instantly. A child is diagnosed with Autism (1/100 chance) and your spouse leaves you. There are so many unexpected events. In the end, how we choose to react determines our relationship to God. Do you carry this weight on your own? Some do, with terrible outcome. Some people turn to their work, others to drug & alcohol use, others to impulsive behavior.

What I've learned is what Jesus said, "Come to me you who are weary and heavy burdened. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." This is a true picture of healing. letting the God who loves me and died for me to take that weight off my shoulders and the pain from my heart. Last night I cried myself to sleep. My heart literally hurt. the years of pain trying to be loved and feeling cheap. I had to admit that my life isn't what I wanted. I had to admit that my way didn't work. i'm just grateful that my God let me find this out on my own but never gave up on me. I cried in joy to give my life back to him, my Father, my Dad. I've finally come to a place in my life where now I know that I have a sacred gift. This gift is special. Being a woman is special and now i'm not ashamed to be tender-hearted.

I am learning to love myself again and to be uniquely me. I'm funny, spirited, and adventurous. I love to dance and sing and daydream. I'd rather do something by myself than not do it at all. I'm loving and I care for people who are suffering. I'm tough when I need to be and soft when that's needed too. I'm a life-long learner and incredibly hard working. I also love lazy days and sunshine. There are some dicey things about me (i used to cheat at board games & im a terribly sore loser), but all in all, I think any little girl would want to look up to me. So that means letting God mold me into being His daughter, most sacred and beautiful of all living creatures. Not for a man to want to marry me, but for the joy of the Lord.

So, all this is my living testimony. Giving my hurt and anger to Jesus has given me hope for a future that isn't like dust to the wind. As I start my journey, like the isreailtes wandered in the desert for 40 years and Jesus wandered for 40 days, I will be observing Lent to prepare myself for the next phase of my life. I am giving over to God my obsession with planning out my life. I am surrendering my life to Christ.

Every person must determine their own purpose and the meaning of life. Is it to just be happy or to do good things? Is that enough? A man came to earth and claimed to be God. THE God. We must sort out wheter or not he was a lunatic, or if he was telling the truth.

Romans 5:6-8
While we were powerless, Christ died for us. Most people wouldn't die for an upright person, though some might for an especially good person. But God demonstrated his great love for us (before we could even choose to love him) by giving his only son to die so we could be healed of our own selfish nature.

I'm tired but really excited to live for God. It's hard to write and publish this because I've done and said some horrible things. I'm embarrassed too. I don't want to be seen as a hypocrite or contradictory. There's been a lot of changing in my heart and sometimes fighting it makes for some poor decision making. I haven't had a chance to apologize to a few people so I hope this is where I make ammends. Thank you for being kind. Thank you for giving me a chance to be the real me again.

Growing up

2011-03-10T14:46:00.000-08:00

Today I talked to some of the seniors I work with about their progress in getting ready for college. One of them said he was plannin gon moving to LA to work on his acting career if he did not get into FSU. At first, the adult in me was like "Nooo you arent ready at 18!!" But the wildflower in me thought, "How cool to have that chance to follow your dream." ALthough he definitely isn;t ready I talked to his mentor about how to help prepare him for that decision.

Even his mentor, who is a minister by trade, was shocked at first. After talking he remembered that he wanted to be a pilot but because of family issues he never pursued that dream....until now at the age of 50. Dreams are a hard thing to catch and succeed at. I would imagine that only very few actual ever end up where their dream began. I have a feeling very few of those people drew inside the lines or followed any particular rules to get there.

It's scary to follow our dreams because there is a huge risk. Especially when we have lots of bills to pay. I don;t really know what the dream for my life is but I always knew I wanted to a) make a difference and b) have fun doing it! Right now, in some ways I think I'm already doing that. I have a young professionals leadership group that I developed with the help and support of people who have the same passion. I am mentoring an awesome high school girl. I get to help others realize their dreams.

Another dream I have is to build my own house in the country with the help of an architect. I think most of the dreams for my life have nothing to do with a career but mostly how I live my life. I haven't had much career direction because as long as I enjoy it and am really good at it, then I'll be happy. It's what goes on outside of the office that matters to me most.

The Law & Life

2011-03-01T09:53:00.000-08:00

Who needs a boyfriend, I got my girlfriends!

It's February and basically summer has begun. Kelly and I have been doing Sunday Fundays and it's been awesome to soak up the sun with a tall PBR in hand. I feel so blessed to have such a great girl friend still here in Jacksonville. Growing up I know we both wanted to get out of town and move to New York or something that sounded fabulous, but living in Jax is amazing. The weather is gorgeous most of the year, there is so much to do, and it really is wonderful having roots in a community. I can't wait until she graduates from UNF and we can both being working professionals! She is going to be an amazing counselor when she starts her career and I am very proud of her accomplishments already. I really look up to her because she is always so collected and really wise. Growing up we both had some challenges in our friendship I think but the past two years have been really good for our friendship. I hope that she continues to find happiness and joy in life. I can see God working in both of our lives in bringing us back together for some stability in friendship especially during this transitional phase of our life. So, thanks, God!

Speaking of God, last night I was reading in Leviticus & Dueteronomy. It's about the law of God for His people while they were wandering in the desert and preparing for the Promised Land. Continuously, Israel will be obedient for a time and then get complacent and whiny with God even when they could LITERALLY see him working in their community. God won battles against improbable armies, they were fed daily by food falling from the sky, a FREAKIN sea was PARTED to get them away from the Egyptian army and they still complained!! Even though in plain sight they had experiences with the abundant love and power of the God of the universe! It makes me wonder even more about who God is.

These books are often hard for me to read and completely understand where I fit in. Most of the laws are "Can'ts": can't eat blood from any animal, can't weave two different kinds of material together for clothing, can't have improper sexual relations, can't live in the community with disease, can't be holy if someone dies in front of you, can't be in the presence of a dead person, etc. No one really likes rules. That is simply understood. But we also understand that rules are to protect us. In the sexual relations category it lists many detestable things including incest, sleeping with your's child's spouse, marrying your wife's sister, homosexuality, beastiality, etc. Most all of these were punishable by death or would cause a person to be cast out of the community.

There are two themes that I think are important to see throughout these books: God was setting up law to protect His people (from disease) and God hates perversion of holiness. In almost every law He finishes by saying "Because I am the Lord." Almost like, because I said so...

I want to please God and I actually am concerned that by doing any of these things I may be displeasing God (like mixing cloths or eating rare meat). I know that Christ came to bring a new law, not one of legalism but one of love. I know that we are to live as Holy beings like our Father who is Holy. What exactly does that mean though? Do we adhere to the law of Moses and the law of Christ? Or do we soley focus on the law of Christ first and pray that our obedience to that will please God? Also, were these laws only for those people to carry them through the time of wandering in the desert? I love history too and I would love a good open theological discussion about this. The one passage that comes to my mind is when Paul talks about eating unclean meat and how it really isn't a big deal unless you are around others who think it is. He doesn't want you to cause anyone else to stumble. Kind of like at home girls wear shorts and bikinis but in other countries, women would cover up with dresses or long skirts to be respectful of another culture.

A few links to open this discussion:

http://www.abcog.org/food.htm

http://www.studiesintheword.org/unclean_meats.htm

http://www.pointsoftruth.com/foodlaw.html

Colder Weather

2011-03-01T09:39:00.001-08:00

This song is playing over and over in my head.

Chances Are

2011-03-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

Can't wait until this movie comes out on dvd

you got a gypsy soul to blame

2011-02-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

"one foot on the narrow way and foot on the ledge, sifting through the devil's lies and what the good book says. if i'm going anywhere i'll probably go too far, probably away from you, chances are...."

i love country music and the ballads about the love and life we experience.

i'm sorting through all types of things but the more i sort the more confusing things get. i notice that i have trouble being by myself. its like i always have to be around someone and i'm wondering if that cheapens the experience of spending time with me. the other night i told my friend Andrew that i'm just trying to figure myself out and he plainly told me that its impossible and that i shouldnt spend anytime doing that. we're never finished and the life we lead is what makes us who we are. right now, simple = good. i have these conflicting pieces of myself that desire to live separate lives and i dont know how to bring them together. a) because they are opposites and b) its been made clear that i cant even control how my life is played out

i'd like to do adventurous things and never work 9-5. have hundreds of odd jobs so i can do everything once! travel, drink tea in wonderful places, and meet people from different cultures. i'd like to take a car trip across america and europe! on the other hand, i really want to have a stable life where i know what im doing everyday. i love the idea of a family and desire to be a wife and mother (more specifically a foster/adoptive parent). i would like to be able to do all of these things and i think its possible. BUT in the back of my mind is my mom telling me that the latter lifestyle is not one for "good" marriage material.

i've always been pretty rebellious but i think its becuase i have a pretty big personality that was somewhat squelched by many people that came in and out of my life. i dont want to be good marriage material. i just want to be good or great. i want great love. and i think when you find that you can do all of the above. there are families that live in little foreign villages, couples that travel and do journalism together, and those who do little adventures all the time to never lose that passion for life.

so, for now its hard to let myself be serious about accepting love because i just dont trust it. im pretty tender-hearted and a little broken. it's hard to forget painful words and countless goodbyes.

So until love finds me, i'll be thinking about things that are true, right, noble, pure and lovely to please the Lord (Philippians 4:8). He's my maker and my great love. Going to Chet's Creek Church again has been awesome and really helped in the process of healing some wounds in terms of my attitude about and with God. A life transformation isnt happening over night but im slowly learning and enjoying the grace and friendship of God. I'm going to start praying about my job and what I'm going to do after this school year. It's tough because I love my job and I am pretty content but I just feel like something needs to happen in 2011.... I just hope that when God calls me to do soemthing that I'll have the courage to take on the challenge. so far, i feel kind of wimpy in that arena.

i got lost following you....

2011-02-20T21:32:00.000-08:00

I am really having trouble letting go and moving forward. The past few weeks have been pretty rough. Actually, the past few months have been rough. Most the time I do pretty good pushing the feelings away but they manage to creep in right before I go to bed which is when I feel the loneliest. It has nothing to do with being single or not being in a relationship. Either way I'm not looking for anything, but it's nice to held and taken care of. My love languages are quality time & physical touch so the past two years have been pretty rotten with a long distance boyfriend and then no boyfriend.

Its sad to me that a really great friendship was ended possibly because of fear. I am hoping that it ended because we truly weren't right for each other. It's hard for me to believe that there is someone else out there that will actually want to be with me. AND i feel the same way about him. I'd like to hope that I'll really love someone else and feel totally comfortable being myself. Right now I feel like I'm on this journey of just being me and figuring out what that means. I am grateful that I even have tha luxury... my mom suggested that I get rid of anything that reminds me of Andy. I have to do it. I don;t think I want to talk about him so casually either. He was a big part of my adult life but that is the past and its clear that its not the future.

One thing I'd like to do is not blog so much about love or relationships. I am pretty sure I'm much cooler and smarter than to have only that on my brain. On the other hand, this kind of thing is the only reason I get inspired to write. I am going to try new hobies so maybe i'll write about those :) I am considering buying a sewing machine because I actually like doing stuff with my hands so it could be awesome for me. I'll keep you updated!

Even though I've been sad about Andy, I am so appreciative of my amazing friends. I don;t feel like i've been a good friend the past several months but they are still awesome & supportive. I couldnt do anything Ive done this year without them. So here is a shout out to all those cool people who are too cool to even be reading or writing blogs at this kind of hour! Hopefully not to leave anyone out...Kelly, Vic, Jinky, Ariane, Alyse, Stephanie Roberts, Sara Bomar, Bret T, Mike E, Daniel F, and hopefully I'm not forgetting anyone! Thanks so much for being a friend and I won't ever forget the kindness you've shown to me. Hopefully as I start getting better I can give back to you equally if not more.

Gnight

25 goals for 25th Year

2011-02-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

1. Move into own place
2. Save $500
3. Have a travel savings jar
4. Take myself out on a cheap date once a week
5. Celebrate St. Patrick's Day
6. Volunteer with a program that doesn't involve children
7. Become an expert in bully prevention
8. Go to tubing with friends this summer in Ichetucknee
9. Visit Washington DC
10. Get active in a gym (Zumba)
11. Visit NYC and see Lauren McCain & Jennie Rudikoff
12. Visit Hailey in Boston
13. Go to the Guggenheim Museum
14. Drive to CHarleston for the weekend with friends to see a band at the PourHouse and stay in the NotSoHostel
15. Have a margarita party @ my new place
16. Try out for community theatre
17. At least have some romance in my life
18. Send more snail mail
19. Read 25 books & keep a list
20. Apply for other jobs/career change
21. Go strawberry picking
22. Actually go to a state fair
23. Fall in love without trying
24. Develop a mentoring program at UNF
25. Make iMentorJax a household name

Starting Over

2011-02-02T13:59:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I moved into my. own. place.
It's all mine and I don't have to share it with anyone.
The greatest part is that I can also share it with everyone! I can't wait to cook and clean and show myself I can do it!

Right now, I'm feeling incredibly blessed to be where I am with the people in my life who are so supportive. My friends are amazing people and wonderful! This is a big shout out to: Stephanie Roberts, Sara & Aaron Bomar, and Ryan Cottrell for helping me with my move last weekend.

With new beginnings comes ends too. I think it might be a good thing. Growing up is strange because you have all of these memories and images of yourself from all points of your life. It is hard to combine them & disacociate from them at the same time. I used to be this person that I don't think I am anymore. I've become an adult....it seems like I take less risks.

Ive always been pretty rebellious so now I just do it with a little style and grace. I don't like people telling me what to do or how to do. Don't define me please. I was recently annoyed becuase my friend told me I was into preppy guys and that was okay because that is just me. I'm not into any type of guy except for someone who makes me laugh, is a hard worker, nice looking, and loooves hanging out with me! It is also very important that we share the same values.

But, it doesn't matter about "type" if you can't value a relationship. I've done some soul searching the past few weeks to see if maybe I could have been the problem. I think in relationships I can be self-destructive because I have a big guard up. It's always been hard for me to understand why anyone would actually want to date ONLY me. It makes me think something is wrong with them. Isnt that messed up? It's even weirder because I think I'm great! It's just that I'm not used to being around other people and having to relate to someone in my personal/private space (secret single behavior). I just hope that my immaturaty in previous relationships can be forgiven and that I can ammend them in future relationships.

I just hope I will be a little more risky with love and be open to sharing my life with someone else.

burning down

2011-01-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

I'm really strong. stronger than hell, but don't make me chase you there to pull you outta the fire.

there's nothing stronger, than the ties that bind us. but you're too stubborn and too proud to let Him love ya.

to my beloved

2011-01-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

love is my favorite color
your sigh is my favorite sound
the beat of your heart is a whisper
to the breath of my life you found

the winter had been so cold
but there was a little fire burning
over time it grew bigger
as hope kept it alive and stirring

the road was rarely easy
and for years i felt used
but from this day forward
it is you that i choose

i waited for you my love
God kept His faithful promise

Castaway Kid

2010-12-18T04:28:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading this book, "Castaway Kid" and it plainly showed the grace, mercy, and working of God in our lives. It is about a boy who grows into a man. He was raised in an orphanage in Illinois and was deeply troubled with the rejection and abandonment of his childhood. It is a quick read and i would suggest it to everyone in reading.

i've had a lot on my mind lately but i'm having trouble getting the words out. as the end of the year draws closer, so does the realization that i need to get ready for a few changes going on in my life. i am finally moving out of my parents house and into my own place in Springfield. I cannot express how excited and terrified that i truly am. i am excited to make friends with my neigbors and have a fresh start. something that's my own. on the other hand, i get nervous about being by myself or someone stalking me. but, it will be an exciting adventure all in its own! i am tryin not to get too caught up in decorating or buying a lot of "stuff" for my place. i am trying to live as simple as possible so i won;t get too attached to my things in case God calls me to leave. As much as I would like to move to a new city, i am not getting that feel quite yet.

right now i am trying to figure out what my spiritual gifts are and i am learning a lot from my mom about this. i have grown up learning about the gifts of the spirit but never really understood them as anything other than almost personality traits. my whole life i always just thought it was mercy and compassion. now i think its more than that. like God has been molding me for some time about where His heart is for my life. in the past few years looking back, i can vividly see God working. I can't attribute it to anything else. everything i do is either in direct rebellion of or love for God. at some points even apathetic. but God put people in my path to show His unconditional love for me and reminding me He is not letting go of me so easily. now, the closer i reach out for God the more i realize i can never get to Him on my own. I think this is the essence of being a Christian. it's not about going to church on Sundays or being really giving and nice to people. it's not about singing praise songs or reading the Bible everyday. it's not about going on mission trips or wearing WWJD wristbands.

Being a Christian is simply this:
"If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”

As far and as hard as i can try to reach out to God, without the death and ressurection of Jesus Christ, the blood sacrifice paid for my disobedience and selfishness, then i could never cross that bridge to God. His blood and his glory cover my imperfection so that i can be in God's presence. Having faith in the unseen and giving my life over to he that made me is the only key to being saved from an eternity seperated from my Father.

every moment i do spend reading the Bible, i just fall more in love with my Dad aka God. it probably sounds silly and foolish to those who have never experienced this type of love. the other night i was really angry. i mean, hateful-angry! andy has just hurt me by loving someone else and it just feels awful. i was ready to send him an email saying that i never wanted anything to do with him and to just totally get rid of him from my life. anger like that is poisonous and can really tear you up physically and emotionally. befor ebed, i knew that it wasn't right and that it wasn't anything personal but it still hurt. I had to give it to God to take away because the pain was killing me. i was skeptical that it would be a quick turn around, but the next morning i felt completely at peace. it's like the chord had been cut and i could release that pain. i even felt like celebrating for his new life and the possibility that he could find love again!

it may sound like rambling but there is a point. there is no way i could have given myself that peace because i didn't really know how to get it. God is Father & Counselor. in my dark times, He is light. when i feel defeated, He is the arms that comfort me and tell me i'm beautiful.

Missing Tara

2010-12-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

heart's epitaph

2010-12-02T19:30:00.000-08:00

I thought you were in a punk rock band
Instead you tuned software, kinda rad.
I caught you eating popsicles in bed,
Watching Sci-fi tv on a crate
What a geek i had.
In your arms I felt so loved
We were each other's perfect mold.
Now you belong to another girl
and I'm losing that forever hold.

I tried everything and I feel like i put myself out there and still ended up with nothing. three and a half years of andy. it wasn't perfect but it was great to be with someone who fit. that was the last person who i wanted to be with and have no energy to do that again. one bad relationship away from being a cat lady. i could at least have one dog. for now i attempt to write bad poetry or lyrics to a crappy song. i am seriously thinking of being single forever. not that i'm ruined in the dating category but its all bullcrap. i just want to be with someone who i love to be with them and work as a team. i also want that teammate to want to be married. probably the most painful thing is walking around acting like it while at the same time the person has no intention of making it a happy valued relationship that is forever. i feel like i'm pretty simple, it just gets messy when there is so much outside influence on a relationship.

wishing i could start over. knowing i can't.

Philippians 3:11-14
The Message Version
"I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back"

Thanks, Mom

2010-11-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

There are things that I would like to say on here that would be better left for my personal journal. The words I have would not come out fast enough in ink though. These thoughts are unrelated to the next topic I will touch on.

So in a previous blog entry I noted that my birthday was the #1 holiday on my list. I have always had a birthday week since I turned 19 or 20 and maybe it even goes further back then that. I think it was my 6th birthday when i had 3 birthday parties in a week. One at school, one at home, and one for my friends at the skating rink. This weekend I was trying to plan what I would do since I had a 4 day weekend. My mom coldly replied to me "What makes you so special that you get a whole week to celebrate your birthday" in maybe not so many words. This really hit a nerve with me. She was genuinely pissed that I had a birthday week. I have thought long and hard about her statement to check my self-absorbtion level.

I came to this conclusion:
Most days of the year I don't feel very special. I have awesome people that are friends and more facebook friends than I can keep up with (or that facebook can even keep me updated with) and being that connected means people dont have to make much effort in friendship anymore. You just check in on their page to see how they are doing. Which I am even grateful for most of the time. But this one week, I get to feel relevant and like I exist and matter. It may seem silly to people but I think everyone gets to a point where they just want someone in their lives to care. I know that I do, but at the end of the day we are all looking out for numero uno. I used to have someone who cares. But even that person only called me after a "thank you text" at 7pm this day. its not that this person even matters [they do] but i am getting to a point where if my own parents don't celebrate my birthday by making me feel special...what do i have to look forward to? i'm grateful for the time i had with them this weekend but their attitude is lazy and i'm guessing my mom just doesn't understand what celebrating life in general looks like. i guess all i am trying to say is that sometimes big statements do go farther than just the little things. also, the other thing I am trying to say is i need to move out soon. i just am feeling really scared because I have nothing and nowhere to go.

i don't think anyone really reads my blog so i will just say this because it's really causing me pain. I cried like 2 or 3 times this week. Maybe more in the past two weeks. This is my favorite time of the year and a milestone i have been waiting for a long time in my life and it feels blemished. i think i will be spending the next week to heal and pray for a miracle.

on another note, i had the best weekend with my friends and they are wonderful people. i am looking forward to an awesome year and i can't wait to record it on my new camera! i am seeing things changing in my life as i begin to change the type of people i surround myself with. time to buck up and leave the old behind...

A Friday Evening

2010-11-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

It's a Friday I didn't have to work. I am taking care of myself. I had my hair cut and now I am going to cook an amazing dinner for myself! Then I will be watching Toy Story 3! It's kind of col to have a quiet evening in. I may give in and get out of the house but I want to have a great weekend without being exhausted! I am definitely starting to sound like I'm getting old. I'm not really, it's just been a rough month and my body is starting to take a toll. I think I am finally starting to feel free and happy. I can truly say that I am finding my joy in the Lord. It is scary but incredible to not know what's ahead but to know that I'm not alone in the journey!

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I really hope that I can live by this verse and lead a spirit-lead life!

My Favorite Holidays in Order of Importance

2010-10-31T17:07:00.000-07:00

1. Birthday
2. Fouth of July
3. Half-Birthday
4. Christmas (the season)
5. new Year's Eve
6. Easter
7. Valentine's Day
8. Martin Luther King Jr's Weekend
9. Thanksgiving
10. Halloween

#1 is because it's my day but i think the older i get and the less time i have to plan birthday events the lower it will get on the list.
#2 is because I associate that holiday with friends, family, and all of my favorite food
#3 is because, why not!?
#4 just makes you happy, especially when it gets cold outside
#8 is usually brown headed affair
#9 is because i don't like that in my family, some people do all of the cooking and cleaning while others only have to watch football and light a grill. plus i don't have a huge family so hopefully the older i get the more fun it will be
#10 just usually freaks me out and i am incapable of making a good costume. On the other hand, i have started to enjoy pumpkin carving....

What Next?

2010-10-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

So I am about to turn 25 in less than a month and this is what I have to show for it:

A Master's Degree
A messy bedroom
Living with my parents
Furniture
storage unit
almost 2 years of working experience
Falling back in love with Jesus

10 years ago I was in 9th grade and following an 11th grader around that i had a crush on
15 years ago I was in 4th grade and learned how to add fractions and dreamed about being an actress.

Not much has changed except now I have discovered yoga pants, wine, and travelling. I guess a lot has changed.

When I was younger I used to write stories and plays. I am considering writing children's stories on my own and see where it goes. At the age of 25, I want to do something that I would have never thought I'd do or accomplish (or something I've always dreamed about). I am tired of sitting around and waiting for things to happen or at least tired of hoping for the American Dream.

The American Dream is failing America. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, highest unemployment rate in decades, schools are failing, businesses are closing, and our neighborhoods are becoming infested with crime. It is not working. WHo made up this dream anyway? Dreams are great but when we try and "accomplish" so much on our own, we lose sight of what is really important or WHO is really important. How many people HONESTLY get married because that is just what you are supposed to do? How many people become doctors or lawyers becuase everyone else in their family has done the same thing?

Screw the 9-5 secure job and go crazy! That's what I am hoping to do in my 25th year. I'd like to fall in love with Jesus and with serving people. I am feeling free to do just that.

In the meantime, I need to shower. I will be back with some updates on how God is working in my life.

Quarter life Crisis

2010-09-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to be 25 for a really long time because it always sounded so grown-up, but not too adult either. This post is even too hard to write or finish.

Freedom

2010-07-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

I love being American because I am free to watch America's Funniest Home Videos and they are hilarious! 4th of July is may favorite holiday in the year because it is full of all of my favorite things: spending time with those you love, fireworks, watermelon, cookouts, red white & blue, flags, history, music, dancing, warm weather, and the beach.

I don't care too much for THanksgiving or Christmas because we've never had a lot of family around during these holidays so it has usually been a boring holiday with the same 4 people every year. Cool, we open presents for an hour then have nothing to do for the rest of the day. COol, we have a huge dinner that we can't eat but have hours worth o cooking and cleaning. Now, in the future as my family grows I hope to enjoy EVERY holiday and make sure to always spend it with as many people that I love as possibe.

Right now, I am just going to take life a day at a time and enjoy as many holidays I can with friends and family. These days are only as good as you make them :D

On another note, I wish SNL and the Muppet show would combine. It would be briliant!

Rules of Engagement

2010-06-02T12:06:00.001-07:00

I am attracted to tall, tan, handsome men. Who is attracted to me? DARK homeless men. This is at least the typical person who asks me to dinner. Really??

I went to Hemingway Plaza to enjoy the sights of downtown and the beautiful sunshine. 5 minutes into my lovely experience a man waves at me and buys me a soda. While it started off nice to make a new friend it ended so weird. I don;t understand the thoughts of men. Just because YOU think someone is beautiful doesn't give you the right to assume they want to spend time with you. What's in it for me to go to dinner with a 50 year old man who has never gone to college, is on a disability check and smells like a garbage can? Is there anyone that would challenge that I or ANYONE else needs to give an explanation?

While you ponder this, I will be spraying myself with Victoria Secret body spray. [done] I am not tring to be rude but I think it should be the duty of men to keep their opinion of women to their friends and friends of the girl. Take a lesson from this homeless man and don't be so forward. It's unbecoming of a gentleman.

Other than that, I still love downtown. I may not want to live in Springfield by myself anymore since strange men can't follow the rules but I think downtown is amazing and there is a lot of things to do!

Hurt

2010-05-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

In Bible study, a woman shared her story about being a mother. A few days/weeks ago, her daughter said something really hurtful to her. She cried and told her daughter that was not nice to say. Although she moved past it, she knew she now had a wall up between she and her daughter. How is it that those we love most we hurt most with our words? We know everything about that person which over time forms intimacy and in one second can be used as a lethal weapon?

This all comes down to the question: what is family and the meaning of the relationship mother, daughter, and sister? Is it our role to love, teach, and correct or just to love? What if the person you love is destroying themselves by our own individual standards?

Waiting

2010-05-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm not ready to date other people right now, just the thought of it makes me sad and nervous. I need to do my own thing for a bit and enjoy where I am at this point in my life. Sadly, I think this weekend will have been the last time I speak with Andy for awhile. It's just too hard. Anyway...signing off for now and waiting.

The Bathroom is my Sanctuary

2010-04-30T07:04:00.001-07:00

These are complimentary of HGTV.com, I love the idea of using furniture as bathroom vanities! I can't wait to have my own place one day and do my own design!

Sister Sister

2010-04-28T18:15:00.000-07:00

Shelby is graduating from FSU and I am feeling a bit lost as an older sibling. I did what I could do to get her to this point and she has followed my footsteps pretty much the entire way. My purpose as an older sister is fading as she forges her own path for the very first time. Shelby storms Nashville in October. Although, I am ridiculously mourning the idea that I will have no idea about the life she leads, I couldn't be happier for another human being. She is my main reason for living whether she knows it or not. Sometimes I keep her at a distance but I think sisters must at some point to preserve their own sense of being. There are things that make me super jealous and I am sure vice versa. At the end of the day, she is the only one I will ever love. We grew up playing magic carpet ride, house, teacher, Power Rangers...she did whatever crazy idea I came up with and made me feel like I was important enough to look up to. Being an older sister is tough because it's like being a parent and a friend in one. Parents do not have to be friends and friends should not be parents. Sisters are the worst though because there are so many expectations. For us at least. I think I am pretty terrible and not very thoughtful. I have always been so focused on myself [egocentric possibly--probably] that it was hard for me to be empathetic to her needs. This is my apology blog to the start of a new relationship where we are adults making our own lives and laboring to stay in each others.

sun sun sun

2010-04-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

Went to Atlanta this past weekend and it was geat to get away and be out and about in the city on a walking tour of the Highlands and Super Target: Greatlands which experienced a severe thunderstorm which knocked the lights out! We experienced an arts festival and the lesbians in full force with t-shirts saying "Lesbilicious" and others calling their friends "Elezabeth." I saw a man carrying his cat around on his shoulder like a baby and it was just chilling up there! There were homeless punk kids playing guitars and singing songs and telling people they were commies for not giving them money....? What, we are communists for not GIVING you money? haha it was all pretty dang fun. Erin's new apartment is super cute and in the most desirable area of town for anyone! I am a bit jealous but mostly just happy for her! when I got home, i was happy to be home. Jacksonville is home no matter how cool i want to be to live in a new city. i just need to accept that i am a homebody and i like being a big fish in a small pond!

pretty things

2010-04-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

I saw this and really liked it. I am obsessed with Mason jars so this is perfect.

Babies

2010-04-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

Everything is turning up.....BABIES. I cannot check my facebook without seeing at least 5 peoples beatiful little babies and 5 more that are pregnant. The worst part is that they are all happily married. To clarify one thing: I do not want any babies right now. I do not want children unless it is with the right person, and with a good man I will consider having a ton (adopting, fostering, and our own).

The thing that is so terrible is that I am feeling left out. I want to have kids at the same time as my friends and I am no where near the place where that will happen. But maybe it will happen and the friends I make at that time will be amazing people. I just have a lot of love to give and I want a huge family. My whole life, it has just been my parents, me, and Shelby. We never lived near family and holidays weren't much fun (except 4th of July). I am having trouble waiting on God's timing and I always have had this issue.

I really want to get to this point in my life where I am not so bitter and I actually have a real relationship with Jesus. I am having trouble surrendering. I have seen and felt a lot of pain & suffering in my life and I don't have a lot of faith in people of faith. On the other hand, I have hope because of people of faith. I think I just need a night of solitude and prayer becaue I have completely disconnected myself with God and am just living the "good" life. It's just hard for me to believe sometimes that God cares SO much about every little thing I do.

Somehow, I know that deep down, this one relationship means everything. Without it, I really am nothing. All of the good things about me are gifts from above. Naturally I am a bitter, spiteful, vulgar person and I have seen that about myself the past few years. With God in my life I am kind, merciful, and joyful. It's such a huge difference. Some of these things can also be explained by hormones once a month.

Before I go to bed and when I wake up every morning, I am going to put myself in a routine to spend at least 10 minutes of quiet time in the Bible or in a book. I need to learn how to be content and still because I am always trying to run. I truly want God's blessings versus Earth's blessings.

The point of this is to realize that I need to be content because I am actually very happy for my friends and their growing families. I don't want to be negative and build this anger in my heart because I am the one not listening to God. I really am just waiting because I want to have a strong, Godly marriage and a wonderful husband and baby daddy who will lead our family and listen to God's will.

not trying to be oober religious but I have just been thinking about things a lot lately and realizing the importance of my faith in my life!

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, for I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Hello!

2010-04-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Inspired by GLEE, I am going to make a new entrance. I am going to find and reveal my inner rockstar and stop letting myself get in the way of me. I can have it all. I have to.

I am probably the nerdiest person I know at the moment and i have been fighting it for so long but I've been pretty unhappy. I just need to be me. I don't need to pretend to be cool anymore ;) I can be a star but be myself, which is someone who really cares about other people. That doesn't mean that I can't shine too (which i typically forget).

what has been learned is that I need some me time to develop my skills, talents, and my joy. i also would like to eventually meet someone who is their own star and we can shine together. it's not cool to put anyone in your shadow.

i've let others treat me less than i'm worth in the past, and not that i am blaming anyone, but i just need to wait for the right person now. it's funny how someone can confess their love but it is a love of convenience. i may have been guilty of that myself.....

RANT: i want real true passionate deep unconditional love. my parents scold me for never being satisfied. they want me to be "sensible" and just marry a nice christian boy. I too would like to marry a nice christian boy, but what they don't realize is that i am crazy. i feel things really deeply and will never be happy with a quiet life. i am a butterfly and i want the person i marry to be really active in their/our life. we should still be able to have our individul traits but i really highly admire a person with a passion in life other than making money or even just the relationship: passionate about god, about living, about people. nice is not a requirement, but kind with a christ-seeking heart. no one is perfect and that's why i dont want nice. no one can be that nice, except serial killers.

FORGIVE ME: i will begin to talk about marriage a lot. not because i want to right now get married, but because i am starting my journey in finding myself and getting emotionally ready and fixed to share my life with another person.

Dog People

2010-04-09T05:46:00.000-07:00

So lately I have been surrounded by dogs. If you know me, I am a cat person through and through. I am obsessed and cry whenever I see kittens. Dogs have always annoyed me because they 1) they stink 2) they are so needy and 3) they don't cover up their poo. I have been sick and tired of self-proclaimed "dog people" because seriously, how many people can actually love this drooling creature so sincerely? Until now.

Now, I can't get enough! I have a friend who has a dog named Daisy and his neighbors have tons of dogs that all play together. They are adorable and now that we don;t hang out as much, I really miss the dog! Gracie has been wonderful too. We have had a weird relationship ever since the accident with my kittens but now I can see how amazing she is. We just have fun together after I get off of work and play for a bit.

Now, me not just accepting dogs as a pretty cool species but as an awesome part of life has been a reflection of other areas of my life. I am really opening up to new things that I would have not done a few years ago. I have been tired of my life and the way things are going. I just wanted a fresh start. Life doesn't always give you fresh starts though, you have to work your way through hard times without being able to start all over again. I wanted to move far away and do something new. God didn't have those plans for me. I have to stay where I am and grow to love this part of my life of being really confused about the direction. I didn;t just like dogs all of a sudden because I had one great experience. It has taken my entire life, a few bad experiences, and some progressively great experiences with a change of attitude that has helped me love being around dogs and just rolling around on the floor with them :)

Overall, I am looking forward to this new part of my life where I am building upon everyday and enjoying the present. I still have issues with looking to far into the future but....I am working on it. I just really want to find love and I know that in order to have something true and that lasts, I definitely need to wait on God's timing. Ultimately, that is the kind that will be the most grounded and pure.

2010-03-22T13:55:00.001-07:00

It has been awhile since my last post and things are looking up for me after a few weeks. Andy and I decided to end our long distance relationship by having no exclusive relationship. I cut my hair off, which has boosted my confidence and saved time to get ready in the mornings. I am looking at buying a house because I am planning on staying in Jacksonville and rent is so expensive. At least $800 for a 2 bedroom apartment any where in this town. The house I would ideally like to live in is Springfield because there is not much traffic and it is quiet because not many people want to live there right now. Funny thing is, it's just as safe as any other historic neighborhood in town! I am so nervous it will end up costing me and arm and a leg so I seriously need to pray about this before getting over my head.

I just need a fresh start. I am sad to lose a friend like Andy but I am confident this is the right thing to do. I feel really at peace about it and I am excited to see what the future holds.

Right now my neighbor's house is abandoned/forclosed and the door of the fence keeps swinging back and forth. It is really creepy!

Anyway, I will post pictures of the house as soon as i get the numbers in.

Stirring

2009-11-20T10:31:00.001-08:00

I am feeling kind of funny these days. Everything that I used to want for my life is changing. I wanted to move to New York, date fabulous and interesting people, be a socialite, and travel to far off places. Although, I still want to do a few of these things and several more....I am wondering if I have the right partner to do these with {sorry for ending sentence with a preposition}.

I really want to get married. There, I said it.

I also want to be a foster/adoptive parent. I want to found a ministry to serve people in the community. I want to do this with a significant other and with someone who has the same heart for God's people. These aren't just things that I want, but little missions that have been placing a heavy burden on my heart for years. Once, I get myself straightened out then I think the plans for my life will start unfolding.

*If this were true for the person that I currently love then I hope that God directs us on the right path to be the best compliments for each other so we can fufill each our purpose on earth.

At the moment I do not feel this is the case. I need a relationship for us that goes deeper. I am not sure if that is too much to ask from a man? I do not feel like I am in a place where I am comfortable with making any big life decision because I have blinders on. It's very confusing and not what I want in the here and now but my current beau is living in another state and has no direction for either of us on our future together. I am exhausted from thinking about it and living in a constant state of limbo. I don't think that this is the kind of life any Father would want for his daughter.

For those of you who know the situation, please try not to judge to harshly for I am only human...and a woman!

Island living.....in Wisconsin?

2009-10-06T13:58:00.001-07:00

I visited Wisconsin in September for Andy's family reunion to celebrate the 21st wedding anniversary of John & Larae Gower. There is a big beautiful island called Washington where people vacation. It resembles the coast of Maine...and this is where our weekend was held.

Andy suprised me at the airport with a bucket of icecream! We proceeded to drive for 2 hours to get to a ferry boat that would take us across THE bay. It was windy and just plain cold on the boat, but I welcomed the cool weather to my recent days of hot, muggy mess in Florida. My scarf and Andy's "cool" jacket kept me warm for the trip over. We kissed fervently the whole ride over as our meetings have been sparse lately with work loads increasing. Before we met the family we had some nice time together. on the boat. which was cold.

Andy's family is pretty awesome. Not only were they welcoming to me, but they love each other so much! The kids are cool and couldn't stop singing the "Phinneas & Pherb" theme song. By the end I had to explain Captain Planet and his kick-pollution-in-the-butt theme song (kids from California). I believe they enjoyed it.

Summer Vacation

2009-07-25T06:44:00.000-07:00

It has been an interesting ride so far. I have driven from Jacksonville, FL to Baton Rouge, La. I stayed there while Andy worked for a week and I did nothing actually. It was nice to have absolutely nothing to do. I just went to the pool, watched Red Box movies, and read New Moon of Twilight series....definitely got sucked into that one. I was attempting to get ready for our camping trip so I decided to go to Dick's Sporting Goods and realized that I only had a tent, a tarp, sleeping bags, and a few towels for the trip. Thats it. No flashlight, no cooking gear, no cooler which now that I remember I still have milk and beer in the one we had to buy.

After a successful trip...or three to Walmart, we were set to leave for our adventure.

We only had booked plans in Nashville so that's where we headed first. After driving about 5 hours, we stopped in Birmingham, AL for lunch. It's funny what Ms. Garmin will tell you about a city. With her you have a lot of options so therefore you have to make several decisions based on limited knowledge of a place. We stopped at a greek diner with a great terrace just off of UAB campus. We met a nice guy who invited us to sit down and eat with him. We had great conversation about him being a cableman until I started talking about Dexter, a fascinating show on Showtime and he was drawing a blank. Did I forget to mention thtat right before I began discussing this show that he said he didn't really watch tv? ANdy changed the subject to my dismay but it was a good thing. I was just digging my own silent hole which was getting harder to get out. The man invited us over to his house for a group meeting later that night. We respectfully declined for we had a great night planned in Nashville. After we declined conversation was stale and awkward. We left soon after.

Getting into the car we stared at each other and just lauged about how weird that ended but now glad to get on the road to Nashville. A few hours later we arrived at our spot: Scarritt-Bennett Center right next to vanderbuilt campus. It is a gorgeous old Bible College for women. They have changed the dorm rooms into accomadations and we stayed there for only $45 a night. That is a great price for the heart of Nashville (other hotels in area were $150). THe campus was beautiful and a bit gothic in its architecture. I would HIGHLY recommend for anyone staying in the area. There is lots to do in the West End. THe first night we ate at Taco Co. which was awesome and had drinks at Music Row. We made it an early night because we had gotten up at 4am to make the drive. Sunday we walked around Vanderbuilt campus which is NOT wheelchair accessible because it has so many stairs and is damn steep!! You'd have to have crazy upper body strength because my legs were barely working. Gorgeous campus though.

I also got to see the Kappa House which was in between two fraternaty houses which is so different than FSU campus for Sorority Row.

We went out to Broadway on Sunday night to the Flying Saucer for dinner on 10th Ave and then to 2nd Ave to a few bars. Weird crowds out on Sunday night. Met some really nice people too! So one thing to know about Nashville. If you arent great at singing...don't do karaoke. People there are actually talented. No one sings really for laughs. Yeah, that's the other thing about Nashville...everyone is really talented. Brentwood area I think is lined with recording studios and we saw CMT and GAC station buildings. Now that I think about it, it would have been cool to try and get a tour. Another night we went to this Irish Pub off the main drag in the West end I think. I met a really nice artist who also happens to be a former highschool classmate of Jen Shacklock, a good friend of mine from FSU. Small world! She was performing and was really good, I liked her vocal styles and the fact that she's from New Orleans area. Andy gave me money to buy her cd and she ended up giving me her old & new ones.

We sadly had to leave Nashville to continue our journey....I am sure we will be back.

On the road again to a state park just to the northeast of Knoxville. After stopping in KNoxville, I wasn't very impressed. The people weren't friendly but I'm thinking we stopped on the wrong side of town. We were definately the cleanest looking people there...and thats pretty bad for road-trippers. We continued to the park to camp. Let's just say it was beautiful on the side of the mountain but there were several bumps. We got there lateish and set up camp after circiling to find a spot. We started cooking in the dark which I think we won;t do again because you cant see anything and ou cant see ugs when they land in your food. We also learned that Citronella candles attract the largest of mosquitos and trap them in the wax. I'm not sure how good of a repellent they are. Sleeping is for the birds when it comes to camping. We stayed at this place for 2 nights b/c it was only $15 a night. Not much else to tell accept that it is no fun sleeping on a clay ground.

Dollywood was enjoyable but much too young. I had good memories of it but I don't think I will go back. Pigeon Forge is a tourist trap. Lots to do and lots of money to spend. Traffic was a mess. We camped there for a night and there were some local kids partying in a house next to our campsite until like 4am. Great fun, unless you havent slept since Monday night and it in now Thursday night. I think I was cursing in my sleep. We left the next morning and headed towards....we werent sure. So we made a pit stop at Forbidden Caverns. Caves are so mysterious and to think you are one of the people to first discover and use the hidden gems as a secret hideaway.

We put in Garmin aka Vicki destination as home in Jax. As we started along I realized that neither Andy or I had ever been to Charleston so we said...why not? As we got here, exhausted, sort of hungry, and disheveled we realized no matter how full we got our stomachs, it was 8pm and we had no where to sleep. Jacksonville is about 4 hours away and we are tired and want a beer or two. WHen you feel like this, you get really grouchy at whoever is with you. It was about to be the end of a long grouchy day. All hotels in the area are from about $90-$190. We stopped at a tourist place and he suggested a hostel ans told us how inexpensive they were. Now, Andy had already suggested one earlier but I wasnt sold on sleeping in a bunk bed. We had no other options so we took it! It was gorgeous and quaint: Not So Hostel. We got a private room for $60 and had porch access. We got a great suggestion to go to the Pour House at Folly Beach and heard some amazing music: Micheal Trent Trio, Ponderosa, Cary Ann Hearst, and the In-Laws. Check them out on Myspace. Of course I was sleepy and wanted to go home early. Andy was a bit disappointed b/c they were really good. I cant help it though, its nothing new I rarely can stay out all night. I fell asleep at the Ben Harper concert a few years back. Amazing show but my body can only take so much.

Today we are touring ourselves around Charleston and then we'll be back in Jax. It's been a great two weeks of vacation so far even with a touch of grouchiness here and there. It has been great meeting nice and friendly people along the way ans seeing some old friends in Tallahassee.

I will update later!

terrorism

2009-07-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

i think a good way to torture terrorists is to get andy to fart in their holding cells, a small cramped, airless room. it would have them begging for mercy.

My Bruno review

2009-07-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

saw half of bruno last night. walked out. i would be in that 1/2 that found it really offensive. first joke about autism, not funny. second "funny" part was really crude sex scene (gay or straight not cool). joke about killing christians instead of isrealis or palestinians. his test video of his penis and aborting retarded babies. maybe some people think this stuff is funny but its kind of sick that this is where we are at to get a laugh. i just think he is trying to push people's buttons and push social barriers. i wanted to see it because i thought it would be more mild like the trailers i saw. oh well, i would not recommend it to most of my friends. sorry i even saw part of it. i am really glad andy felt the same way. our conversation after the movie made me feel happy that we are like-minded in general culture moral standards.

ps. if you walk out of a movie you can get raincheck tickets. never feel like you wasted money on crap.

Double Standards

2008-12-08T07:39:00.000-08:00

It is interesting how nothing I do matters. Everything everyone else does or does not do is a big deal. Confusing? Sure. Example: if i go on a date and i'm not into the person, i may never call again. If someone does that to me, it wildly pisses me off. If i kiss someone it is no big deal, but if my boyfriend who i broke up with kisses someone else, i feel stabbed to the core. and funny thing is, i never thought kissing was a big deal. maybe it isnt. unless it is. i need a friend to tell me i am crazy and i should move on if this is where it is coming to. or i need him to want me or to just leave me alone. i can't do dual relationships. my life is here not there.

speaking of life, i just finished my internship at Mayo. It was pretty awesome but I am sad to leave it. i will miss a few of of the patients and their caregivers. it was neat to see people get their transplants after waiting for so long. I wish i could have gotten more individual time with patients but that is just the nature of the beast. Now I am interviewing for a job and maybe applying for another just so I can have a back-up plan. that reminds me that I should call now.

I am looking in the mirror noticing that one of my eyebrows naturally goes up father than the other. It looks like I am making a questioning face lol. Well, as for dating....it sucks. It is fun until someone tries to sleep with you the first date. i feel like ive been married and divorced and 20 years later i have to do this dating thing all over again (which i was never that great at anyway). Where are the men in this world who are respectful?? I feel like both men and women have these great expectations in finding a mate that you have to be PERFECT in order for smeone to decide to settle down. I am not even too good to be untouched by this culturally deficient moral standard (if that makes sense). I just dont know what it is i am waiting for. what if i never get the big A-HA! moment?

until then, waiting. and maybe acting impulsively

My New Life

2008-08-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

I am settled into Jacksonville now. My bed is unmade and my room is messy. Now I am just waiting for Shelby to leave and for my parents to return from their vacation.

I start my internship on Monday the 25th at Mayo Clinic as a Social Worker! This will be a great time to understand my strengths and weaknesses in the work world. There is so much that I want to do, and while getting out of the college town, I feel like I am stuck again while living with my parents. I am still looking for a part-time job or some type of activity to fill up my time and interest! I was thinking about taking tennis lessons, or maybe salsa dancing!

Well, sorry so boring but not much is going on. Last week I babysat and I definitely am waiting to have kids, but when it happens I know I'll be a good mom. Also, the Olympics have been amazing. I didn't get to see much of the 2004 games because of sorority stuff and moving to college so this is just fantastic. Overall, my favorites have been 1)swimming 2)gymnastics 3)synchronized diving 4)women's track

hopefully i will update this more :)

Being Raised

2008-06-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

Sing Sweetly
Eat Gracefully
Stand up Straight
Smile with your teeth
Have Good Manners
Be Seen

Not Heard?
No Longer

Slideshow

2008-03-10T15:07:00.001-07:00

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

2008-02-29T07:39:00.001-08:00

1. i never want to grow up
2. What i want to be does not equal what i will do
3. ask me again and i will tell you exactly what i want to be: a movie star or a socialite
4. what do i want to do as a social worker? ummm help people, duh.
5. if one more person asks what social work is and then says something about taking away kids, im not going to fight it. open a book. read the paper. open your eyes! social workers are every where. you too can live like a social worker and fight injustice in all realms!
6. i blame my parents for me not knowing what i want to do. their genes made me dreamy and their worldview let me see the world and tell me that i could do anything!

so all in all. what i REALLY want to do is be a tv show host maybe for HGTV and with my star qualities be able to help people at a macro level. i've never wanted a simple life and i want nothing to do with mediocrity. i only can live one life and i want to make it count. i dont know how heaven works (based on the assumption im going of course) but i like to think that everyone still has their personalities but a lot friendlier and loving. all of the things that annoy us are gone and we arent tied to our earthly bodies. the thing that matters the most is the soul and on earth that is what you live or die by. i just want to be connected to as many people as possible.

A Questionable Decision

2007-12-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

So i broke up with andy last week and i can't tell if it was right

2007-11-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

Conclusive Evidence

2007-11-04T19:38:00.000-08:00

So just five minutes ago, not a moment too soon, I realized what my problem was. I am on the brink of losing this thought.

i am afraid of moving forward. Deathly afraid. i finally have something to look forward to everyday, but the memories of my college life haunt me. Not in so short a time did all of my plans in life change forever. the girl that moved out of the nest and flew into a world unknown is not the same person. in a way, she died. it is hard to bring a dead girl back to the life she once lived without seeing things a bit differently.

i have always let other people decide for me what i am going to do in my life. part of me wants to run away and be someone else. the other part of me wants to live at home with my parents and adopt 9 cats. so cuckoo clock here needs to find a healthy balance of letting go of her past and transform into a butterfly. its hard when bob and peg care so much. i can't make a mistake to save my life.

the other part of me that i rarely talk about is the part that cannot be content. i dont know if i can ever be happy or content with my life. my biggest fear is that one day i will have everything i ever wanted and then i realize i cant handle it. job, marriage, kids. i am afraid that i will want to runaway from it all, but i couldnt and i would just fade away inside of myself.

the reason i mention this fear is because i am going to have to make some decisions about andy in the upcoming year. do i runaway and leave him alone so no one gets hurt by me and i pursue a different dream? or do i stay and work things out with someone i might love now but ruin things in the future and possibly be miserable? i think either way i would be miserable. unless i figure out how to live my own life and be content with someone who feels the same way....

my phone is ringing. it is probably shelby so i dont answer quite yet. ;)

i dont know if i ended up writing about what i actually intended. but i think i am through. it is hard to move past something like not being chosen. i fully understand how it can happen and that it would never work. but when you dont choose to end a relationship that lasted throughout college, it is hard to move on. you feel like a zombie 85% of the time. half living, half dead. and most the time you are grumbly and incoherent. so for now i am trying to move past a sadness that eats at my innermost thoughts and my outermost actions.

world, if you see me. please just give me a hug. you are too often cruel. give me hope if only for a blink of an eye.

standing still

2007-11-04T01:49:00.000-07:00

There are some points in my life I just want to remember the small things.
i used to literally take a mental picture of myself walking to the mailbox and back, trying to remember each step so i could save it for a million years. i would collect leaves, sticks, and even gravel rocks from places i've been to remember unmemorable moments. i am feeling this right now-a fleeting thought that i havent had since i was maybe 10. i want to remember every minute.

i guess i have a fatalistic view of life. i am so desperately holding onto the past. if i let go, it may never come back. it may never be important. and it was! this is my life we are talking about but i am too afraid to push forward and explore. what if everything i do is to create amazing memories but then that's all they are before they even happen?

anyway, andy is sleeping and i am wide awake in the living room squinting to see the keyboard. it doesnt seem fair i can never sleep. i guess this is what happens at 3am when it is supposed to be 4am and i went to bed by 11.

oh, on another note. today (or yesterday) i finally realized how much i actually hate text messaging. it gets you into odd situations i have found. especially mass texting. we arent friends. the end.